Who's Going To Hell This Week
Helen A. Handbasket
From 'TBH Politoons'
Great Site!
Thanks, again, Tim!
Minnie & Jason
The Osbournes Quotes of the Week
The Osbournes quotes of the week:
Here are my picks for "Osbournes" quotes of the week. Unfortuntately, they're full of shit (you'll see what I mean).
It was very difficult to pick the choice quotes this week, since the visual comedy (Lola barfing, Ozzy struggling with those damn DVD stickers, etc.) almost beat the spoken gems. Almost.
"I don't mind a little fuckin' Pomeranian turd, but when that fuckin' Bulldog unloads you gotta get an earth mover and a fuckin' gas mask to go in the fuckin' kitchen. It's like, plutonium turds." -Ozzy (on his concern about Lola)
"How would you like it if I gave Minnie away? 'Cause I know a lot of people who might like those [kinds of] dogs!" - Jack (yelling at Sharon for giving Lola away)
"Dad's awake...fuck!" - Kelly (trying to hide after she, Jack and Jason already woke up Sharon late at night)
"The situation is: I AM NOT GOING TO CLEAN UP ANYMORE FUCKING WARM TURDS!" - Sharon (on her reasoning for evicting Lola the Bulldog Osbourne)
"I love Lola. Jack loves Lola. But Jack also loves going to the night-fuckin'-clubs." - Ozzy (on why Lola is not housetrained)
"SHARON! I BURNT THE GRIDDLE! I AM SO SORRY!" -note by Jason Dill (after ruining the Osbourne's stove by melting a plastic chicken timer on it. Jason later did nothing to help clean the mess.)
Sharon: He shot who?
Melinda: Jack shot Marcus.
Ozzy: Now see, that's totally unacceptable behavior to me. What if he turned and got hit in the eye? Then we'd all be fucked! (conversation regarding Jack's friends and an incident with a BB gun)
"Your mother respects my opinion." - Jason Dill, clueless 'professional' skateboarder and Osbourne family guest, to Jack.
Kelly: Mom! Leave it!
Sharon: No, I'm gonna piss in it and put it back. (enters bathroom)
Kelly: (from behind bathroom's doors) Mom! Tha's not funny! Stop it! (pause) YUCK! (exchange between mother and daughter after Sharon discovered a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels left by 'Professional Skateboarder' Jason Dill.)
"Oh okay Kelly, Ms. Drama Queen" - Sharon, after her Pee-Daniels cocktail was disposed of by her daughter.
"I was going to piss in it" -Sharon, quite serious, to a laughing and 'Professional Skateboarder' Jason Dill, after he asked what she did with his bottle of Jack Daniels.
"I'm going to be the envy of boys the world over when this comes out" - "Professional Skateboarder" Jason Dill, correct for once.
And my personal fave:
Kelly: You wanna know why Fred Durst is moving to England? 'Cause no one hates him there."
Sharon: They soon fucking will.
Those are just my small, offhand picks.
:-) Chad
Damn fine picks, Chad!
Got A 'RealPlayer'?
More Shakespeare
Here's a little tid-bit on the old Bard that you might find amusing :-)
Funny this never made big news.
Shakespeare
~~ Diane in Seattle
Thanks, Diane. Roll out your RealPlayers & give it a listen!
Weekly Review
HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW
April 23, 2002
White House officials admitted that senior members of the Bush
Administration met with the Venezuelan coup plotters in the weeks
before they attempted to overthrow President Hugo Chavez. Some
officials claimed that they had discouraged the plotters, others that
they had encouraged them. One, asked if the Administration recognized
Chavez as the legitimate president of Venezuela, replied that
"legitimacy is something that is conferred not just by a majority of
the voters." Ari Fleischer, the White House spokesman, said: "I think
you have to be very careful about advance knowledge of a specific act
and general talk of unease in a nation like Venezuela that has been
marked by a very difficult internal democratic situation."
Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut observed that the Administration's
performance on Venezuela cried out for "more adult supervision."
The government of the Netherlands resigned after a report by a human
rights group concluded that the Dutch government must share the blame
for the 1995 massacre of more than 7,000 unarmed Muslim men and boys
by Serbs in Srebrenica, Bosnia, where a small battalion of Dutch
peacekeepers had been stationed. Prime Minister Wim Kok, who was
deputy prime minister at the time of the massacre, said that "the
accumulation of international and national shortcomings must have
political consequences."
An American F-16 dropped a 500-pound bomb on
some Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan and killed four of them.
The Senate defeated President George W. Bush's plan to open Alaska's
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration.
A plague of locusts was attacking crops in northern Afghanistan.
Continued at www.harpers.org/weekly-review
--Roger D. Hodge
Updated, Again!
The Worried Shrimp
'From the Series -Deficit Dubya'
~~ The Worried Shrimp
Thanks, again, TWS! And, damn, Marc - excellent work!
Reader Suggestion
'Naked Nymphs'
Denis sent this link - fall out shelter news.
Definitely worth checking out!
Thanks, Denis!
Reader Suggestion
'Curve'
Subject: A Band I Would Suggest Listening To
Have you ever listened to Curve? They are simply amazing, and the lead
singer, Toni Halliday has the voice of an angel. Give them a listen.
~~ Tanya
Thanks, Tanya. No, I haven't heard Curve, but will be looking for them now!
Reader Correction
It's 'Congregational'!
Sorry, Marty, the Kyle MacLachlan wedding was held at Plymouth
"CONGREGATIONAL" Church, not "Congressional." My parents were married
there, and I was baptized there. Peace. Catherine
Thanks, Catherine! Should have caught that one.
'Confused Thoughts'
Linda Lovelace
By ~~ Thomas R.
She hated it during the latter part of her life, but Lovelace will be
remembered as the person who made oral sex acceptable to Americans. She
opened up a wide variety of sexual experience to people who thought
there was only one way to have sex.
She was also the first "name" porn actress, and gave that variety of
"performance art" a humanity it had never had. Before that, women who
appeared in these movies had no names and no careers. They were
disposable (sometimes, probably, literally - if they got uppity, their
bodies were thrown into a ravine). The sex performed was mechanical,
inhuman. Giving the performers names and the suggestion of a career has
helped them gain better compensation and steadier work.
It's true that the "sex industry" isn't very human any more. The perfect
silicone-filled bodies just get on film to "do it" and get it over with.
But for a period in the 1970's, porn actors were allowed to have
personalities and even senses of humor. You weren't watching gods and
goddesses whose sex was something unavailable to an ordinary schlub like
you. You were watching people who were pretty much like you, making
their sex acts something to which you might aspire. And that brief
period was due to Lovelace.
Of course, she turned her back on that industry, and claimed to be
forced into it. That's probably true too. (The sex industry is
inescapably cruel, and a lot of what is called "erotica" is just some
creepy guy getting even at the women he hates.) But a very few people
write erotica that isn't cruel or exploitative - some of it empowers
women to enjoy their own sexuality without exploitation. And again, for
that, Lovelace was an important role model.
I'm awkward at saying it, but Lovelace did good while experiencing evil.
What happened to Lovelace was cruel and awful, from her physical abuse
to the fact that she made very little money for what she did But
because it happened, a lot of us ordinary people can find more
fulfillment and comfort as sexual beings. Maybe that means that heroes
aren't always considered heroes, or aren't rewarded, or don't recognize
the heroism they have performed.
~~ Thomas R.
Thanks, Thomas! On one of my parent's weirder visits west, back when I was still in school, we ended up, as a family unit, at a Mitchell
Brothers Theater on Hollywood Boulevard (with my old roommate in tow, too), to see 'Deep Throat' & 'The Devil In Miss Jones'.
I should explain that this was in the mid-70's, and my parents lived in a small, rural town without a movie theater. VCR's were just debutting, and smut was
nowhere near as available as today. My parents just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. They're rural, not stupid.
That year, I was a film major, and the roommate was an acting major. Seemed like an interesting idea at the time.
So, in a peculiar way, I also have very fond memories of 'Deep Throat' and Linda Lovelace.
May she rest in peace.
In The Chaos Household
Last Night
Did the PTA parent at the book sale again today. There were more kids, but not more sales. Yeah, the economy is tanking.
Spent most of the evening explaining multiplication to the kid. Sadly, this is what happens when testing is espoused as the only method...
The whole concept of 'Stanford 9' (aka: Star 9) sucks.
Tonight, Wednesday, it's all fresh on CBS with 'Survivor: Marquesas' and 'The Amazing Race 2'.
Scheduled on a fresh Dave are Jessica Alba & Bonnie Hunt (a Dave Fav).
Scheduled on a fresh Craiggers are I don't know...check back around noon, edt.
NBC is also fresh tonight with 'Ed', 'The West Wing' (where Bill Clinton & Jimmy Carter get to put in
their 2 cents worth, among others), and then 'Law & Order'.
Scheduled on a fresh Jay is Eric McCormack from 'Will & Grace' (he's 'Will').
Scheduled on a fresh Conan is Steven Dorff.
Scheduled on a fresh Carson Daly is Andrew W. K.
Of course, ABC starts the night with a rerun - this time it's 'My Wife & Kids, followed by a fresh 'Jim', and then a rerun on
'Drew Carey', followed by the season finale of 'The Job'. 'Downtown' caps primetime.
Scheduled on a fresh Bill Maher are Diane Ladd & David Brenner.
The WB is fresh with 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Felicity'.
Faux foists a fresh 'That 80's Show' and 'Grounded For Life'. Sadly, the 'Bernie Mac' that follows is a rerun. 'Greg, The
Bunny' is fresh.
UPN has a fresh 'Enterprise' followed by a fresh to UPN 'Wolf Lake'.
Anyone have any opinions?
Or reviews?
(See below for addresses)
And His New Best Friend
Bono
U.S. Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, along with rock singer Bono, will visit four African nations in May to assess the efficiency of development aid and to
push for greater economic productivity, the Treasury Department said Tuesday.
O'Neill begins his African visit on May 20 in Ghana and will include stops in South Africa, Uganda and Ethiopia before returning to Washington on May 31.
O'Neill's and Bono's African trip is to be sprinkled with visits to a variety of development projects, ranging from some aimed at improving water supplies
and sanitation to HIV/AIDS treatment centers.
Bono
Oh, That Joe!
Today's BAD joke
Q) What's the difference between R Kelly and G W Bush?
A) R Kelly was smart enough to use a rubber!
~~ Joe Bacon
Thanks, Joe. I like it!
She Who Brings Shame To The Name 'Martha'
Martha Stewart
Is Martha Stewart turning Republican?
She usually gives to Democrats, but the doyenne of domesticity contributed $1,000 to U.S. Rep. Dan Burton's (R-Ind) campaign last month.
While a Stewart spokeswoman said Martha did not remember giving the money to Burton, Burton's office confirmed the check came from the CEO herself.
One explanation for Stewart's political dance could be Burton's support of the magazine industry. As chair of the House Government Reform
Committee, two years ago Burton helped urge the Postal Service to scale back a rate increase for magazine mailings, the Indianapolis Star reports.
Martha Stewart
No, Alex, It's Not Just You!
Cristie Kerr
Cristie Kerr kisses the trophy she received for winning the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge at the Twelve Bridges Golf Club in Lincoln, Calif., Sunday, April 21, 2002.
Kerr finished with a four-day total of 8-under-par 280. This was Kerr's first win on the LPGA tour.
Photo by Rich Pedroncelli
Many, many thanks to Alex for sending this one our way!
P. S. Have a great time at the wedding!
Republican Rumors Courtesy Of Rupert
Phil & Ben
Phil Gramm's office is denying talk that he's going to leave the Senate early, but some insiders aren't convinced.
A well-placed source insists that Gramm does want to bow out early and become president of Texas A&M University. Even though his name's not on the
short list of finalists for the job, one GOP rainmaker believes Gramm still has a shot, but scoffs at Cornyn succeeding him. "That is simply not
happening," says the source.
Meanwhile, Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.) sparked speculation about his retirement when he was overheard telling a colleague, "Frankly,
I'm burning out on this place."
Republican Rumors Courtesy Of Rupert
BartCop TV!
Can Understand The Sentiment
Red, White & Blue
A woman holds a placard at Bastille square during a protest against far-right National Front party leader Jean-Marie Le Pen in Paris, Monday April 22, 2002. Spontaneous
protests erupted throughout France after Le Pen advanced Sunday to the May 5 presidential election runoff against incumbent Jacques Chirac. The placard reads: "Blue of
fear, white of rage and red of shame", in reference to the colors of France's national flag.
Photo by Francois Mori
Lucky Liz & Damian
The Godfathers
While Liz Hurley is still trying to establish the paternity of her new son, the lad won't lack for uncles and such. Elton John and his lover,
David Furnish, have taken Hurley and the baby under their wing, even to the extent of setting up an all-blue nursery in Elton's mansion just
outside London. They say that when the christening ceremony comes around, Elton and David will be named as godparents.
The Godfathers
'Movie Night' At The White House
'The Rookie'
resident Bush is hosting "movie night" at the White House on Tuesday, sitting down to watch "The Rookie" with its star, Dennis Quaid, and Walt Disney
Co Chairman Michael Eisner, the White House said.
The G-rated Disney film is based on the true story of Jim Morris, a 35-year-old high school science teacher who made a deal with his school team that
if they made the playoffs he would try out for a pitching spot in the Major Leagues.
When his team made the play-offs, Morris tried out for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, making the team and becoming the oldest rookie in the Major Leagues
in over 30 years, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters.
White House Shills For Disney
Online Auction News
Jerry Seinfeld
Four years after Jerry Seinfeld and his sidekicks ended their nine-season laughfest, a collection of assorted props, scripts and costumes
will be auctioned off over the next two weeks, beginning today, at Sothebys.com.
Three original scripts - from the episodes "The Lip Reader," "The Pledge Drive," and "The Big Salad" - are expected to fetch up to $1,500 each. The bound scripts
include Polaroids of the characters and hand-written directors' notes.
Bette Midler was forced to endure Kramer's "Macaroni Midler" during her guest appearance, but she may get the last laugh with Sotheby's expecting her softball uniform to go for around $2,000.
Various shirts worn by Kramer are expected to go for between $1,000 and $1,500.
Proceeds from the auction will go to Hollywood Cinema Production Resources, which offers programs for at-risk, academically challenged youth.
Seinfeld/Sothebys.com
'The Notorious C.H.O.'
Margaret Cho
"Notorious C.H.O.," a concert film starring comedian Margaret Cho, will debut July 4 in New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco theaters before expanding nationwide.
The 90-minute film will be distributed by Wellspring Media, which acquired worldwide theatrical and video rights after previously releasing Cho's 2000
effort "I'm the One That I Want" on DVD and video.
Margaret Cho
Like A Rabbit
Rod Stewart
Pity Rod Stewart's girlfriend, Penny Lancaster. "I'm like a rabbit," the 57-year-old rocker, who's separated from his supermodel wife Rachel Hunter,
told Germany's Bild newspaper. "I could do it any time, any place." The sex-addled Scottish singer, who has already sired six children with four different
women, declares, "You could introduce me to the most beautiful, most intelligent woman in the world, and if she isn't good in bed, I'd rather be with someone else."
Rod Stewart
Playing Catch-Up Instead Of Leading The Way...
DreamWorks
Having long lagged behind the other major studios when it comes to launching innovative Internet campaigns for its pictures, DreamWorks may be catching up.
The studio is showing some signs of creativity online, bowing a creepy teaser trailer for its Gore Verbinski-directed thriller "The Ring," which is due in theaters Aug. 9.
Taking a page from the hidden interactive extras that appear on DVDs, DreamWorks has hidden a link for the video above the studio's logo in the movie section of its official Web site(
http://www.dreamworks.com). Keeping the computer mouse over the blue area above the logo for several seconds makes Tom Hanks disappear. Clicking on the image that appears starts the video playing.
DreamWorks
Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones
Toys!
New merchandise for "Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones" arrived in stores Tuesday as fans lined up for midnight sales of the latest bric-a-brac from a galaxy far, far away.
Merchandising executives at Lucasfilm Ltd. dramatically reduced their movie tie-ins for "Attack of the Clones," cutting the number of products by about half and
reducing licensees from about 85 to less than 50.
Highlights of the new toy line include bounty hunter Jango Fett and his horn-shaped spacecraft Slave I, and Jedi warriors Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, molded with magnets in
their hands so they can use "the Force" to draw weapons into their grasps.
There are no soft drink or fast-food deals this time.
Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones
Lawsuit Filed
Kid Rock (AKA: 'Big Bob')
Kid Rock has been hit with a lawsuit over his song "Cowboy."
Billboard reports that Microhits Music has filed a copyright infringement suit against Rock, claiming that Rock lifted a substantial portion of the song from
the late 1980s club song "I Wanna Be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry. Microhits owns the rights to the song and is seeking damages to be determined at trial.
The suit says Rock played the Boys Don't Cry song a number of times as a DJ and he copied the hook.
Kid Rock (AKA: 'Big Bob')
Doesn't Like Pink Shirts
Eminem
Eminem is inflamed. The rapper was so mad that a British magazine retouched his cover photo that he's had his European record company buy up all the issues.
Editors at The Face thought that Slim Shady's red shirt didn't work with the mag's red logo so they digitally changed the shirt to pink.
Em apparently thought it was a sissy color.
"The Face altered his image after the fact," Eminem's rep, Dennis Dennehy, tells us. "It was done intentionally to cause controversy and to taunt
Eminem.
The Face [has now] agreed to publish an issue containing photos as they were originally captured on film."
Eminem
Rocking The Boat
Jason Priestley
Actor Jason Priestley escaped injury after he was involved in a two-boat collision at the Fountain Miami Super Boat Grand Prix.
Priestley's boat bumped into the Pier 57 Fountain/Scism boat as the two crafts entered the first turn Sunday in the Superboat Unlimited class. Priestley's throttleman,
Dan Campbell of Fort Lauderdale, suffered several cracked ribs, but neither of the Pier 57 team members were injured.
Priestley and Campbell were taken back to shore but both boats had to quit the race.
Priestley, who was driving in his second powerboat competition, told The Miami Herald that it was "just part of racing."
Jason Priestley
In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends
Copped A Plea
Robert Iler
Robert Iler, the teen-age actor who plays the troubled son of a mob boss on the TV show "The Sopranos," pleaded guilty on Tuesday to petty
larceny and was sentenced to three years probation.
Iler could have received one year in prison for the misdemeanor, but under the terms of a plea agreement, prosecutors recommended the lighter
sentence and Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Daniel FitzGerald accepted it.
One of the victims said the muggers brandished a box cutter and said, "Give us your money. Do you wanna die, do you wanna die?"
The fourth alleged mugger, who has not been identified because he is under 16, is being tried in family court.
Robert Iler
'Book 'Em, Danno!'
'Hawaii 5-0' Lives!
After a ferocious bidding war, DreamWorks emerged late Monday with exclusive negotiating rights to turn the classic CBS cop series "Hawaii Five-O"
into a feature film.
The studio is expected to collar a feature deal worth seven figures for the rights to a contemporized version featuring the same characters who became
so ingrained in the minds of viewers during the show's 12-year run. And of course, lead character Steve McGarrett will utter the famous line "Book 'em, Danno."
It is the second classic TV series to be set up recently as a high profile feature following Paramount's deal to make a movie out of "The Honeymooners," a film
that James Gandolfini has expressed interest in starring as Ralph Kramden.
Hawaii 5-0
Woo-hoo. Now, bad high school bands across the nation can start playing that theme song, again!
Puppet Stuns Congress (Again?)
Elmo
Elmo of Sesame Street attempts to eat the microphone as he testifies before the House Labor, Health and Human Services, Education Appropriations Committee
hearing on Capital Hill Tuesday, April 23 in Washington. Elmo, a popular puppet from the television series, was testifying in favor of school music education.
Photo by Ron Thomas
Smithsonian Shilling For Disney? (You Betcha!)
'Dinotopia'
Taking a break from the serious world of science, the Smithsonian's natural history museum is opening a fun new exhibit on "Dinotopia," a fantasy world
where humans and dinosaurs live together peacefully.
The exhibit of art and artifacts based on the popular series of Dinotopia books by James Gurney opens Wednesday and will remain at the museum through Sept. 26.
Dennis O'Connor, the Smithsonian's director of science programs, said the exhibit is "a look at what fantasy can do to learning."
Gurney, who also has done illustrations for magazines, said he developed the idea of Dinotopia while drawing realistic depictions of ancient cities for National Geographic.
In addition to original paintings from his books, the exhibit also includes video excerpts and models from a Dinotopia miniseries scheduled to appear on ABC television next month.
Dinotopia & The Smithsonian
National Museum of Natural History
Dinotopia
Still Seeking Volunteers
'The Osbournes'
Very Recently updated.
Put up a page devoted to 'The Osbournes'
C'mon....send your thoughts, your impressions, your views, your favorite quotes...
Scroll down for lots of addys to pick from (or 'from which to pick', for the truly anal retentive).
