Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 21 October, 2003

Liberal Eye for the Conservative Guy

Issue #76
is brought to you by

The Official Exercise of the Bush Administration

Art Causes Terrorism

"The paintings of Margaret Keane make people want to kill," said a spokesman from the Department of Homeland Security today. Stunned to find out she was still alive, Federal Agents moved swiftly to arrest her, seize all her assets, and destroy them. Ms. Keane remains under close guard at Guantanamo Bay. No charges have been filed.

"This act of pre-emptive aggression against wide-eyed children and clowns shall not stand," declared Osama bin Laden, whose cave is entirely decorated in Keane paintings. "Just you wait."

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Dennis Egan, an engineer with the National Radio Astronomy Observatory in Green Bank, West Virginia, thought he had a pretty good idea. Just mix recyclable plastic, most of which ends up in landfills anyway, with asphalt, and create roads that are 25% more durable than regular asphalt roads. His product, "plasphalt," is a particularly environmentally friendly idea since it uses all available types of unsorted plastic waste, even plastic bags and jug tops, whereas only two of the seven types of plastics collected have major commercial uses and are generally recycled. A road, one-mile long and 40-feet wide, would use 75 tons of plastic waste, saving 5,550 cubic feet of landfill space. Plasphalt was used by the TEWA Corporation in New Mexico to build two roads that have held up well and proven the durability of the product. The result? After five years, nobody else has used plasphalt for anything and the company has filed for bankruptcy. "We are engineers and technicians," Egan said. "We thought a product as positive as this would sell itself." Guess not.

- Source: The Pocahontas Times -

Looking Dubai or Just to Rent?

Okay, the war in Iraq isn't necessarily the weirdest thing happening around the Arabian Gulf. Dubai is building a resort called Palm Island that's so big it can be seen from space. They're planting over 12,000 palm trees. If all the fill materials used to build Palm Island were placed end to end, a wall two meters high and a half meter thick would circle the earth three times. They're calling it "the world's most exclusive address." Check out this monstrosity.

Political Relative from Hell

Lt. Governor of California Cruz Bustamante's sister Nao Bustamante kicked off her infamous 1992 work "Indigurrito" by strapping on a burrito to her loins and calling for white men to come up on stage, take a bite out of the burrito and absolve themselves of 500 years of the white man's guilt. "Using the body as a source of image, narrative and emotion," says Nao, "my performances communicate on the level of subconscious language, taking the spectator on a bizarre journey, cracking stereotypes by embodying them. I disarm the audience with a sense of vulnerability, only to confront them with a startling wake up call."

Internet Radio Station of the Week

All October, Welcome to Weirdsville is playing the great Halloween comedy hits like Monster Mash (would you believe SIX versions?), Purple People Eater, Ghostbusters, Will Smith, Elvira, The Blob, Werewolves Of London, Weird Al, along with some howlingly funny Halloween comedy bits!

The Amazing Vanishing Site

Considering how much time I waste surfing the Web, it's pretty goddam rare when I first hear about a site on the ABC evening news. Friendster is another online way of meeting people and wasting your time scrolling through bio after bio to find someone you might like. More interesting is the Friendster satire site Friendsterpimp which has mysteriously disappeared, and I do mean mysteriously. The site simply sites "legal problems" but a search for the details comes up totally empty. I've gotten pretty good at digging up esoteric material but as far as Friendsterpimp is concerned, I dug up nothing. The Google cache is empty. Their Cafepress store is empty. Were they terrorists? What the hell happened? If I were an actual newspaper with an actual staff, I'd assign someone to find out.

Fashion Statement from Hell

In Liberia, soldiers wear women's underwear on their heads

because they think it makes them look scary.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished #2

Founded in 1756, The New Hampshire Gazette is the nation's oldest newspaper, so the fact that they are the very first dead tree paper to confirm the Bush/Nazi connection is something that can't be easily brushed aside by the administration spin doctors who will, of course, refuse to acknowledge its existence. The article, Bush - Nazi Link Confirmed, by John Buchanan, not only chronicles Prescott Bush's long association as a Nazi banker, both before and DURING the war, but the modern media's complete refusal to deal with the story despite incontrovertible evidence.

Since the piece was published, Buchanan has received hundreds of death threats and is now living under police protection.

Here are the first two paragraphs...

"After 60 years of inattention and even denial by the U.S. media, newly-uncovered government documents in The National Archives and Library of Congress reveal that Prescott Bush, the grandfather of President George W. Bush, served as a business partner of and U.S. banking operative for the financial architect of the Nazi war machine from 1926 until 1942, when Congress took aggressive action against Bush and his 'enemy national' partners.

"The documents also show that Bush and his colleagues, according to reports from the U.S. Department of the Treasury and FBI, tried to conceal their financial alliance with German industrialist Fritz Thyssen, a steel and coal baron who, beginning in the mid-1920s, personally funded Adolf Hitler's rise to power by the subversion of democratic principle and German law."

Mandatory Viewing

In case you missed it on PBS, Frontline's Truth, War, and Consequences is the biggest slice of truth about Iraq that has ever been shown on American television, and you can see the whole thing online.

Calling All Actors

Mandy.com now has a casting board.

Calling All Screenwriters

Richard Walter's Greatest Hits Or The Readers Backflip is an excellent collection of modern screenwriting rules that will certainly help make your scripts more salable.

Censored Cartoons of the Week

Does Aaron McGruder think that Condoleeza Rice is a lesbian? That's the only explanation I can come up with for why The Washington Post decided not to publish these.

Self-Censorship of the Week

You're expecting me to make a joke about how one hour after returning from space, Chinese astronaut Lt. Col. Yang Liwei felt like returning to space again. Well I won't and that's that.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

For some reason, eBay has canceled and forbidden all auctions of the issue of Oui magazine with the interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Lawyers representing two Saudi princes argued that their clients have immunity from lawsuits relating to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, because they are diplomatic officials.

Sick and wounded U.S. troops wait in squalor for inadequate medical care.

According to the Transparency International Corruption Perceptions Index for 2003, the United States is the 19th least corrupt country on earth, better than Chile but not as good as Ireland. Finland's the best, Bangladesh the worst.

The Bush administration wants to permit the hunting of endangered species in other countries.

Think union-busting and Pinkertons are a thing of the past? Think again.

Definition of the Week

Bullshit definition (i.e.: commonly believed--but WRONG)

Where has communism existed? Nowhere. Communism, in the scientific sense of a classless society, has never existed.

Money Making Scheme of the Week

The state of Florida is letting Terri Schindler-Schiavo starve to death so that her husband can inherit her money to spend on his new girlfriend. She's Catholic and they won't even let her get Holy Communion because that would demand a priest putting a communion wafer in her mouth which would be considered food. Terri's got her own website where you can learn more. Please write Governor Bush of Florida to stop this travesty. Let him know that after Terri starves to death, her money should go to me.

Don't Take My Word For It

"He's in the White House because God put him there."

- Lieutenant-General William "Jerry" Boykin: the new Deputy Under-Secretary of Defense for Intelligence -

"No I didn't."

- God -

"Hold it there, buddy. You don't exist until we say you exist. And besides, WE put him there."

- The Supreme Court of the United States -

"You're right. I apologize. Please change the pledge of allegiance to say One Nation, Under the Supreme Court."

- God -

"While you're at it, how about changing 'Liberty and Justice for All' to 'Liberty and Justice for Those Who Can Afford It.'"

- Vishnu -

"I second that."

- O.J. Simpson -

"Condoms don't prevent AIDS."

- some idiot at the Vatican -

"I've been a Cub fan all my life and fully understand the relationship between my actions and the outcome of the game. I had my eyes glued on the approaching ball the entire time and was so caught up in the moment that I did not even see Moises Alou, much less that he may have had a play. Had I thought for one second that the ball was playable or had I seen Alou approaching I would have done whatever I could to get out of the way and give Alou a chance to make the catch."

- Steve Bartman -

"It's difficult to be in France and criticize my government. But I'm doing so because Bush and the people working for him have a foreign policy that is not good for America, not good for the world."

- Madeleine Albright: former U.S. secretary of state -

"Your blood will be spilled so the White House gang gets richer and the arms dealers with them, as well as the large companies involved."

- Osama bin Laden to the American troops in Iraq -

"The single-minded obsession of this Administration to now make sense of the chaos in Iraq, and the continuing propaganda which emanates from the White House painting Iraq as the geographical center of terrorism is distracting our attention from Afghanistan and the 60 other countries in the world where terrorists hide. It is sapping resources which could be used to make us safer from terrorists on our own shores. The body armor for our own citizens still has many, many chinks. Have we forgotten that the most horrific terror attacks in history occurred right here at home!! Yet, this Administration turns back money for homeland security, while the President pours billions into security for Iraq. I am powerless to understand or explain such a policy."

- U.S. Senator Robert C. Byrd -

"For centuries, pillage by invading armies was a normal part of warfare: a way in which to reward badly-paid or unpaid troops for risking their lives in battle. Nowadays, at least in more civilized countries, we do not let armies rampage for booty. We leave the pillaging to men in suits, and we don't call it pillaging any more. We call it economic development."

- Brian Whitaker: Guardian Unlimited -

"Bush apparently thinks (if that is the word) that the publicly available media contaminate the news with opinion but Condi Rice and Andy Card are objective reporters. Anyone who has either been a boss or had a boss will find it easier, knowing that Bush believes this, to understand how he can also believe that things are going swimmingly in Iraq. And where does the Rice-Card News Service obtain its uncontaminated information? Bush conceded his shocking suspicion that Rice and Card 'probably read the news themselves.' They do? Whatever is next? The president apparently is willing to tolerate the reading of newspapers by his staff members in the privacy of their own homes, as long as they don't flaunt this unseemly habit by bringing the wretched things into the White House or referring to them at staff meetings."

- Michael Kinsey: Slate -

"Worst of all, the gang of pirates who have been in charge since January 2001 have brought about the End of Satire. How can we really make fun of a president who vows not to rest until corporate thieves, Osama, Saddam, and the White House leaker are brought to justice, then goes off to play a round of golf? Or a rightwing talkshow host who spends years ranting against drug users, then admits he is the Grand Champion of drugs, checks himself into rehab, and now is promoted as The Guy So Amazingly Truthful He Takes Full Responsibility For His Problem. (A radio station is currently running a promo for Rush's show where the narrator says 'This is what a lie sounds like,' then plays a clip of Clinton saying 'I did not have sex with that woman,' followed by the narrator saying 'And this is what the truth sounds like.' followed by Rush's noble confessional of drug use.)"

- No Man's Island -

"The leaders we conservatives have trusted have taken advantage of our trust to line the pockets of the wealthy and powerful, and it's time we rose up and drove out these greedy liars. They've hijacked and distorted our belief system for their own gain, and in doing so are destroying our credibility. And if we decent, honest, hard-working, patriotic, true-blue conservatives of this country neglect the duty we have to our children and grandchildren, we will never be able to work with those decent, honest, hard-working, patriotic, true-blue liberal Americans that these lying creeps have taught us to despise. We will never be safe to debate them or, when warranted, to listen to them and maybe even agree with them. We will never be safe to work out our differences or to work together. And we will never be able to build on the all-American sense of unity that burst forth following 9/11, only to disappear shortly thereafter in a cloud of lying, greedy partisan politics."

- Becky Miller: A conservative reviews Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them -

"With all that money now just lying about in the federal coffers, and so much more coming in every day, the Republicans had their own interpretation of what was inappropriate presidential behavior. It had little to do with Clinton's alleged sexual proclivities, or with defiling the White House as shrine. In fact, to these guys, getting a little head in the Oval Office could be a good thing. In fact, it could be a very good thing - especially if that little head was the one that sat atop their president's neck. And these cons (short for conservatives, of course) knew just the candidate who fit that description. So, they rigged the ensuing election, thus handing the greatest budget surplus in our nation's history, and the greatest monetary treasure in the history of history, to their new quiz kid president, George W. Bush. 'The Businessman President.' Yahoo! God bless America!

"He promptly spent all of it."

- Don Stasi: Direct Deposit -

"China's first manned spacecraft did more than simply showcase Beijing's efforts for civilian space flight. The Shenzhou 5, or Divine Vessel 5, spacecraft also conducted intelligence-gathering work for China's military. Included on the top of the Long March 2F rocket, which boosted Shenzhou into orbit Tuesday, was a new Chinese military intelligence-gathering satellite. The satellite was placed in orbit successfully shortly after the Shenzhou began its 14-orbit mission. No mention of the satellite launch was made in the state-run Chinese press."

- Bill Gertz and Rowan Scarborough: Inside the Ring -

"The Police Officers, National Guardsmen and military officers who have contributed to this special publication are aware of a plan to overthrow the Constitutional Republic of these United States of America. This publication, many months in preparation, was found difficult to compile for many reasons. One important reason was that none of the officers involved were pleased with the duty of bringing to the attention of our colleagues the names and activities of some in our nation who have been in the past (or presently) engaged in what can only be described by law as treason and/or sedition against their own government.

"While detailing the plan of these Internationalists, the main goal of this special police publication will be to promote an active program that will defend America from those at work forming an oligarchy of Imperialism against this nation of free people.

"The herein-described plan to halt this un-American activity can succeed only with the combined efforts of the People's Protectors (the Police, Guardsmen and Military) and their countrymen in the private sector."

- Operation Vampire Killer 2000: The Lawful Path (Local cops against the New World Order. Amazing. Read it!) -

"The U.S. is pushing for a reevaluation of the Chinese Yuan, declaring that the difference is affecting U.S. manufacturing jobs when, in fact, those manufacturing jobs were lost to mostly offshore labor markets a long time ago. Mexico and Indonesia and China etc. will still hold those jobs even after any revaluing (What? You think because Chinese etc. labor costs might rise from 5% of U.S. labor costs to 10% or even 15% that will bring those lost manufacturing jobs back?). Better be careful what you wish for; China, Japan and a large group of other investors are keeping the U.S. dollar afloat by investing in U.S. treasury bonds. Any crunch could see a sudden and dramatic drop in the trading value of the buck and further recession/deflation."

- anonymous Internet poster -

"For the CIA legally to carry out a covert action, the president must authorize a document called a finding. Crile repeatedly says that Carter signed such a finding ordering the CIA to provide covert backing to the moujahedeen after the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan on Dec. 24, 1979. The truth of the matter is that Carter signed the finding on July 3, 1979, six months before the Soviet invasion, and he did so on the advice of his national security advisor, Zbigniew Brzezinski, in order to try to provoke a Russian incursion. Brzezinski has confirmed this sequence of events in an interview with a French newspaper, and former CIA Director Robert M. Gates says so explicitly in his 1996 memoirs."

- Chalmers Johnson: The Largest Covert Operation in CIA History -

"Last month, Armenia became the 51st country to guarantee its citizens the right to know what their government is up to. Armenia's new freedom of information law is the latest outpost of the worldwide movement towards opening government files - a movement that took off in the 1990's and just this year also brought in the world's second most populous country, India, and one of China's largest cities, Guangzhou. The new openness laws vary tremendously, face huge implementation problems, and often receive only lip service from bureaucrats. But the trend is producing much more government accountability, and often dramatic headlines...

"Ironically, civil society and government reformers around the globe are making this extraordinary progress at the very time that the United States is backing away from its previous leadership in open government."

- Thomas S. Blanton: The right to know is gaining around the world -

"U.S. soldiers driving bulldozers, with jazz blaring from loudspeakers, have uprooted ancient groves of date palms as well as orange and lemon trees in central Iraq as part of a new policy of collective punishment of farmers who do not give information about guerrillas attacking U.S. troops. The stumps of palm trees, some 70 years old, protrude from the brown earth scoured by the bulldozers beside the road at Dhuluaya, a small town 50 miles north of Baghdad. Local women were yesterday busily bundling together the branches of the uprooted orange and lemon trees and carrying then back to their homes for firewood. Nusayef Jassim, one of 32 farmers who saw their fruit trees destroyed, said: 'They told us that the resistance fighters hide in our farms, but this is not true. They didn't capture anything. They didn't find any weapons.'" (In our defense, one of the soldiers is reported to have been crying while he did it.)

- Patrick Cockburn: Americans accused of brutal 'punishment' tactics against villagers -

"Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others."

- Bhagavad Gita 16:17-18 -

"And one day, too late, your principles, if you were ever sensible of them, all rush in upon you. The burden of self deception has grown too heavy, and some minor incident, in my case my little boy, hardly more than a baby, saying 'Jew swine,' collapses it all at once, and you see that everything, everything, has changed and changed completely under your nose. The world you live in, your nation, your people, is not the world you were in at all. The forms are all there, all untouched, all reassuring, the houses, the shops, the jobs, the mealtimes, the visits, the concerts, the cinema, the holidays. But the spirit, which you never noticed because you made the lifelong mistake of identifying it with the forms, is changed. Now you live in a world of hate and fear, and the people who hate and fear do not even know it themselves; when everyone is transformed, no one is transformed. Now you live in a system which rules without responsibility even to God. The system itself could not have intended this in the beginning, but in order to sustain itself it was compelled to go all the way."

- Milton Mayer: They Thought They Were Free but Then it was Too Late -

"February 22, 1943, 9am... Three students from the University of Munich are brought to trial for treason. The trial lasts until 1 pm and by 5 o'clock all are dead. What have these three young people done to cause the top justice of Hitler's People's Court to personally oversee the trial? Why are their voices silenced? And how many more innocent people will have to die before they are heard?"

- The White Rose (Nazi resistance pamphleteers during the 3rd Reich -

"To me those hours were like a deliverance. I am not ashamed to say that, overcome by a storm of enthusiasm, I fell on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart."

- Adolf Hitler on the outbreak of WWI -

"Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta."

- George W. Bush on the outbreak of WWIII -

"Wars arise from a failure to understand one another's humanness. Instead of summit meetings, why not have families meet for a picnic and get to know each other while the children play together?"

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"There are two ways for you to have lower prescription drug costs: one is you could hire Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper or you could elect me president of the United States."

- Future President John Kerry making a funny during the Democratic candidates' debate last week in Phoenix -

"Belief without evidence, in what is taught without knowledge, of things without parallel."

- Ambrose Bierce on "faith" -

"We have 200,000 troops in the IRAQ theater. We are paying $4 Billion a month to keep them there in IRAQ. This works out to $20,000 per man per month or $240,000 per man per year. Where is all the MONEY going ??? We can send home the aircraft carriers, they are no longer needed since we now control IRAQ. We are not using million dollar cruise missiles or 1000 airplanes a day so where is all the money going? We are using mainly small arms fire now, so where is all the MONEY going???? We are not giving our troops enough water or food or Kevlar Bulletproof vests, so where is all the money going? The troops were being paid anyway at an average of less than $3000 per month or a total for the whole 200,000 servicemen of $600 million a month, or $7.2 Billion per year and this does not come out of the $4 Billion per month operating costs. AGAIN WHERE IS ALL OF THE MONEY GOING ? ? ?"

- Howard Scott Pearlman -

"Dogs chase their tails. Humans chase their heads."

- Zen proverb -

Mandatory reading: One of the most important sites on the net, Narco News, is dead. Here's their final statement.

Don't take the media's word for it. Read the Final Report of the Congressional Joint Inquiry Into September 11 yourself.

Jessica Lynch was just the tip of the iceberg. You'd think that if the public found out about these 50 other war stories that were made up or distorted by the White House, they'd boot the current administration out on their asses. The good news: These PDF files are published on the net by U.S. News & World Report, a magazine that's actually on newsstands. It remains to be seen whether they'll end up in the actual magazine where people other than web surfers will see them, and whether the rest of the media will run with the story. After all, it's been almost a month and the only thing close to a major news organization that has mentioned the Schwarzenegger/Lay connection is The San Diego Channel.

There's no "emergency" need for $87 billion. A Congressional Research Service (CRS) study has found that Iraq military operations have sufficient funds until May of next year.

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein - press@uruklink.net (might bounce)
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative -
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies - http://www.firstgov.gov/

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