Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 1 June, 2004

Tuesday

1 June, 2004

big hammer - bigger hammer

(Updated Daily)

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Issue #107

Disinfotainment Today

By Michael Dare

 
Clarifying the difference between preposterous and preposthumous!
 
Issue #107
is brought to you by
 
American Intelligence
 
 
The Simpsons Satire of the Week
 
INT. ABU GHRAIB PRISON: DAY
 
A group of tourists, among them, the Simpsons, are being given a tour of the facilities.
 
        TOURGUIDE
    And on your left is one of
    our more popular sites, it
    was on this very spot that
    Lynndie England gave the
    thumbs up to a human pyramid
    of naked Iraqi bodies.
 
Homer walks up to an Iraqi tourist and offers his camera.
 
        HOMER
    Would you mind taking our picture?
 
        IRAQI TOURIST
    No problemo.
 
        HOMER
    C'mon, kids, time to
    make a pyramid.
 
Homer starts taking off his clothes.
 
        BART
    Aww, do I hafta?
 
Marge takes off Maggie's clothes and starts taking off her own clothes. Male tourists take notice.
 
        MARGE
    We came all this way. You
    know your dad has been
    looking forward to this
    for weeks.
 
        LISA
    Well, okay.
 
Lisa starts taking off her clothes. A crowd gathers. Homer and Marge are now on their hands and knees, forming the base of a pyramid. Marge is holding a naked Maggie. Lisa jumps on board.
 
        BART
    Eat my shorts.
 
Bart throws his underwear towards the crowd who are all repelled except the Iraqi photographer who snaps a picture the exact moment when Bart jumps in, a FREEZE-FRAME of a perfect Simpsons replica of the actual Abu Ghraib prisoners in the pile, all smiling and waving at the camera. It becomes a postcard saying "Greetings from Iraq" that gets delivered all over Springfield.
 
Assignment
 
Rewrite that bit for the South Park gang.
 
South Park Satire of the Week
 
INT. ABU GHRAIB PRISON: DAY
 
A group of tourists, among them, Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Ike, are being given a tour of the facilities.
 
        TOURGUIDE
    And on your left is one of
    our more popular sites, it
    was on this very spot that
    Lynndie England gave the
    thumbs up to a human pyramid
    of naked Iraqi bodies.
 
Stan walks up to an Iraqi tourist and offers his camera.
 
        STAN
    Would you mind taking our picture?
 
        IRAQI TOURIST
    No problemo.
 
        CARTMAN
    C'mon, everybody, time to
    make a pyramid.
 
Cartman starts taking off his clothes.
 
        KENNY (MUFFLED)
    Do I hafta?
 
Kyle takes off Ike's clothes and starts taking off his own clothes. A group of priests takes notice.
 
        KYLE
    We came all this way.
 
        CARTMAN
    You pussy! You know I've been
    looking forward to this
    for weeks. Get your ass over
    here.
 
        KENNY (MUFFLED)
    Okay.
 
Kenny starts taking off his clothes. A crowd gathers. Kyle and Cartman are now on their hands and knees, forming the base of a pyramid. A naked Ike jumps back and forth on their backs. Stan jumps on board.
 
Kenny drops his shorts. The priests pounce upon him, he begs for mercy but it's no use, they have their way with him and depart, leaving behind a perforated Kenny who looks like he's been attacked with a hole punch.
 
        STAN
    Oh my God, they perforated
    Kenny!
 
        KYLE
    You bastards!
 
        CARTMAN
    Hey you, bastard, would
    you mind throwing Kenny's
    body over here?
 
The one priest left in the crowd throws the naked and dead Kenny into the pile of naked bodies. The Iraqi photographer catches the exact moment when Kenny falls, a FREEZE-FRAME of a perfect South Park replica of the actual Abu Ghraib prisoners in the pile, all smiling and waving at the camera. It becomes a postcard saying "Greetings from Iraq" that gets delivered all over South Park.
 
Contest
 
Which one of these will be made first without my permission? Don't make me write a Friends version.
 
Monty Python Satire of the Week
 
No-o-o-obody expects the American occupation. Our chief weapon is humiliation, humiliation and electrodes... electrodes and humiliation... Our TWO weapons are humiliation, electrodes, and ruthless arrogance... Our THREE weapons are humiliation, electrodes, ruthless arrogance, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Bush Family Evil Empire. No. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as humiliation, electrodes, and... I'll come in again. (The American forces leave Iraq)
 
Pacifist of the Week
Abbie Hoffman, Paul Krassner, Dave Dellinger (RIP), Bobby Seale
 
"That photo was taken at Grant Park, Chicago, in 1988, on the 20th anniversary of our protest at the Democratic convention. A picnic had been arranged for us, though Dave Dellinger--always true to his principles--insisted that a bowl of grapes be removed out of respect for the boycott to support the United Farmworkers Union."
- PK -
 
"The lesson I learned was as simple, direct and unarguable as the lesson a child learns the first time it puts its hand on a red-hot stove: Don't ever do it again! But the pain I felt was a spiritual pain, as if I had suddenly emerged from a fit of anger and realized that I had pressed a child's hand onto the stove. I knew that I would never be able to strike another human being again."
- Dave Dellinger -
DVD of the Week
Available now at Buzzflash
 
Please don't wait for this film to show up at your cineplex or on cable TV. Nobody in the media is biting the hand the feeds it these days, so it's extremely unlikely they will show you a documentary that proves, beyond the slightest shadow of any doubt, that in America, corporate interests have totally superseded the public's right to know.
 
Let's take the equal time doctrine, where TV stations had to give equal time to opposing political viewpoints. Gone with the buggy whip. Remember the big debate about its use? Of course not. The media did not cover its own successful frontal attack against the concept, so most of us didn't even notice it was gone. Why? According to Orwell Rolls in his Grave, fully 1/3 of all television ad revenues are currently from political ads, so it was in the corporate interest to get rid of the free ads necessitated by "equal time." Were those ads in the public interest? Of course. Did the public have any say in the matter? Of course not. We're living in a world in which corporate interests trump the public interest every time.
 
Orwell Rolls in his Grave is as objective as it gets. There are no hysterical rants, no oblique conspiracy theories, just cold hard facts presented as clearly and succinctly as possible. You can show it to your parents, your kids, your PTA, and they will be equally outraged. It's not left, right, conservative or liberal, just a straightforward piece of filmmaking with no more agenda than the truth.
 
It's very clear. Step one in taking back our country is taking back our media.
 
"[Josef Goebbels] said once, and this is an example of how sly he was...that what you want in a media system -- he meant the Nazi media system -- is to present an ostensible diversity that conceals an actual uniformity."
- Mark Crispin in Orwell Rolls in his Grave -
 
Quiz of the Week
 
What was the Greatest Theft in History?
 
a) The confiscation by Nazi Germany of around $580 million of central bank gold -- worth around $5.6 billion at today's prices. The gold came from governments and civilians, including Jews murdered in concentration camps, from whom everything was taken down to the gold fillings of their teeth.
 
 
c) The administration of George W. Bush looting the U.S. Treasury to the tune of $3 trillion to provide political payoffs to wealthy neocon special interest groups, adding up to an approximate federal debt of $125,000 per American family.
 
Poll of the Week
.
Ironic Statement from a '60s Film of the Week
 
"The only weapon we have to fight with is our willingness to die. Call it publicity, a stunt to attract attention. A letter to the newspapers. A help wanted ad to the official journal of the United Nations. Wanted, by 600 men, women, and children, a country. A native land. A home. That's all they're dying for."
- Paul Newman as Ari Ben Canaan in the film Exodus (the film that dares to ask the question; if a Presbyterian like Eva Marie Saint can smooch with a Jew like Paul Newman, then why can't we all get along?), explaining why a boatload of Jews are willing to blow themselves up with dynamite (a line probably from the original book by Leon Uris) -
 
"Let the next injustice work for somebody else for a change."
- Paul Newman's Uncle Akiva Ben Canaan in Exodus -
 
"Let the national committee keep on trying to talk the British out of Palestine. We have no objections. We will continue to bomb them out."
- Paul Newman's Uncle Akiva Ben Canaan in Exodus -
 
History Lesson from Hell
 
In 1944, Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a 700-page plan for the occupation of Japan.
 
We're Number 1!
 
 
  1. US: 715 (that's 1 out of every 75 men)
  2. Russia: 584
  3. Mexico: 169
  4. England/Wales: 143
  5. Canada: 116
  6. Australia: 114
  7. Germany: 96
  8. France: 95
  9. Japan: 54
 
Woody Guthrie/Willie Nelson Song of the Week
 
Pull Out Your Tanks
 
Pull out your tanks
Thanks but no thanks
Just pull out your tanks today
Life would be good
In our neighborhood
If you'd pull out your tanks today
 
Nobody killed
Vacancy filled
Pull out your tanks today
Don't make us groan
Leave us alone
Pull out your tanks today
 
    Me and my wife'll
    Both put down a rifle
    If you pull out your tanks today
    You don't really need 'em
    Just give us our freedom
    And pull out your tanks today
 
War is a fraud
Here and abroad
Pull out your tanks today
Justice deserved
Humanity served
If you pull out your tanks today
 
Sunni and Kurd
Peace is preferred
Pull out your tanks today
Solace is mine
In Palestine
If you pull out your tanks today
 
    Me and my wife'll
    Both put down a rifle
    If you pull out your tanks today
    You don't really need 'em
    Just give us our freedom
    And pull out your tanks today
 
Happy Day Day
 
It was the world's simplest question. "Dad, what does the 'D' stand for in 'D-Day'?" Damned if I could remember so it was off to the Internet to find out. Look up "D-Day" at Google and you'll find people claiming the D stands for "deployment" or "definitive" or "defiant," proving, if nothing else, that there isn't total agreement on what the "D" stands for, but the vast majority back the idea that it stands for "day." That's right, every June 6th we're celebrating "Day Day," which fits right in with people asking for your "PIN number" when "PIN" stands for "Personal Identification Number," therefore they are asking for your "Personal Identification Number" number. So thank you 10-year-old Max for asking the question and sorry the answer is so stupid.
 
Oh Joy Unbounded
 
Libya is missing a bunch of nuclear devices.
 
Don't Tell Osama
 
Surgeons are ready to perform a full-face transplant.
 
Hypocrites of the Week
 
Catholic priests denied Holy Communion to a group of gay activists while continuing to protect priests who fuck little boys.
 
I Smell a Movie-of-the-Week
 
A 50-year-old Zambian man committed suicide after his wife found him fucking a chicken. (the OTHER white meat)
 
In a related story, an American president committed genocide after his wife fucked a chickenhawk.
 
Satan Doesn't Want You to Know
 
For about $800, you can get a conversion kit for any diesel engine that will allow it to run on vegetable oil you can get for free from Chinese restaurants.
 
Using biomass, a type of fuel made of materials such as wood and manure, instead of coal to generate electricity, could lower the world's carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions and create jobs.
 
Don't Take My Word For It
 
"We can only hope there's a lifeform aboard that vessel that reasons the way we do."
- Captain James Kirk: Star Trek - The Motion Picture -
 
"If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable."
- Carrie Fisher -
 
"The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians are an affront to Christians everywhere. I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through such an assault on traditional Christian marriage."
- Ivan Berger -
 
"This could be the moment of the beginning of the end of this insane war against the sick. And while the DEA and the Justice Department characterize Valerie as a common drug dealer, all you have to do is spend two minutes with her to know that's a lie."
- Bruce Mirken: Marijuana Policy Project, quoted in Woman leads marijuana fight to new high -
 
"The National Security Council is quite specific. It says what we're going to do. Vice President Cheney once spoke of 50 nations he wanted to carry out regime change in, the President upped him 10 more and said there were 60 of them. That's letting the rest of the world know we're coming. What it means is that all other countries on earth today are quietly conspiring with each other to prepare to resist the United States. The pattern is exactly the same kind of pattern that developed in the first and second centuries AD against the Roman Empire, which ultimately led to its destruction. It's hard to imagine a more profound impact the United States is having on the rest of the world than through the National Security Doctrine of 2002."
- Chalmers Johnson: Preventative Warriors -
 
"In 2002, a full 1,420 journalists were kidnapped, beaten or detained across the globe."
- Reporters Sans Frontires (Reporters Without Borders) -
 
"67% of Americans feel that news organizations try to cover up their mistakes, rather than correct them."
- News Media's Improved Image Proves Short-Lived: Pew Research Center for the People and the Press -
 
"32% of local reporters have acknowledged that they have softened the tone of a news story on behalf of the interests of their news organization. 73% of journalists believe that buyouts of news organizations by big, diversified corporations has a negative effect on journalism. 26% of local journalists say they have been told to ignore a story because it was dull or complicated, but suspect the real motivation to be potential harm to the company's financial interests. ""
- Self-Censorship: How Often and Why, Journalists Avoiding the News: The Pew Research Center for the People and the Press -
 
"Schwarzenegger has now dumped three respected state consumer protection officials, even though they led fights against things like auto repair scams and flammable bedding. But we want his autograph. On Wednesday the governor urged California drivers to beat high gas prices by becoming more conservation-minded. But he drives a Hummer. Do you see what I mean? Maybe we give him a pass because he represents our secret lust to be indulgent and unaccountable."
 
"It would be good to have a man in the White House who has killed people face to face. Killing people has a sobering effect on a man and dispels all illusions about war."
- Charlie Reese: Vote for a man, not a puppet -
 
"In a legal foray that increasingly has the look of a partisan political campaign, Krischer has pulled out all the stops to nail the conservative talk show host. Regardless of one's political views, the case has troubling connotations for tens of thousands of Americans whose efforts to combat chronic pain result in addiction."
 
"We are all office workers. We are all office workers in mega-corporations. We are all, wittingly or not, holders of mega-corporate investments..."
- Michael Wolff: Wing Tips and Leg Irons -
 
    "What am I selling? I'm selling me, Senator, as the last piece in the puzzle, or maybe the next to last, which will allow you to take up residence on Pennsylvania Avenue - by choosing me to be your vice-presidential candidate...
    "I'm a natural born nincompoop. Not only am I one in life, but I play one on TV. And this I can promise you; I will deliver the nincompoops. They're comfortable with me. Comfortable? They love me. Go ahead and ask me who's the president of Japan... I don't know. Ask me what was in the newspaper today. Don't know. You know why? I don't read the paper. My assistant tells me what's going on. Ask me what foreign countries I've been to. None!"
- Larry David: An Open Letter to John Kerry, Vanity Fair, June 2004 -
 
"If I'm going to do something that could be provocative or artistically relevant, I have to be prepared to put myself in the place where I feel unsafe, not completely in control. I have no fear of failure whatsoever, because often out of that uncertainty something is salvaged, something that is worthwhile comes about. There is no progress without failure. And each failure is a lesson learned. Unnecessary failures are the ones where an artist tries to second guess an audience's taste, and little comes out of that situation except a kind of inward humiliation."
- David Bowie -
 
    "With the recent military actions in Rafah and Wednesday's missile strike, at least 10 children have already lost their lives, including Asma and Ahmed, a 16 and 13-year-old girl and boy, respectively, shot in their home in Rafah on Tuesday morning. Many additional children have been injured and all are facing psychosocial distress.
    "The ongoing house demolitions in Rafah have left more 1,100 Palestinian people homeless in a 10 day period alone, out of which almost 600 are children. Between September 2000 and May 2004, more than 11,000 Palestinians have lost their homes"
- UNICEF -
 
"We have to support Israel."
- NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg -
 
"Documents recently obtained in our lawsuit against the Commerce Department would appear to show that the Bush Administration is playing politics in its attempt to weaken the popular Dolphin Safe label."
 
"WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death."
 
"What kind of world is it where the reality is weirder than the satire?"
- Robert Anton Wilson: Shrödinger's Cat -
 
"Writers and editors who have spent years translating essays, films, poems, scientific articles and books by Iranian, North Korean and Sudanese authors have been warned not to do so by the U.S. Treasury Department under penalty of fine and imprisonment. Publishers and film producers are not allowed to edit works authored by writers in those nations. The Bush administration contends doing so has the effect of trading with the enemy, despite a 1988 law that exempts published materials from sanction under trade rules."
 
"There are two kinds of speeches and two kinds of silences. Speech is either truth or a falsification, and silence is either fruition or heedlessness. If one speaks the truth, his words are better than his silence, but he who invents falsifications, his silence is better than his speech."
- Al-Hujwiri: The Kashf al-Mahjub -
 
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
- Sydney J. Harris -
 
"I'd rather be able to face myself in the bathroom mirror than be rich and famous."
- Ani DiFranco -
 
"It is the still, small voice that the soul heeds, not the deafening blasts of doom."
- William Dean Howells -
 
"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr. -
 
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer up somebody else."
- Mark Twain -
 
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
- Dale Carnegie -
 
"When you see others errors and you want to guide them because you think they are wrong and you feel compassion for them, you should employ tact to avoid angering them, and contrive to appear as if you were talking about something else."
- Dogen -
 
"I believe that to meet the challenges of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for oneself, one's own family or nation, but for the benefit of all humankind. Universal responsibility is the key to human survival. It is the best foundation for world peace."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -
 
"Conquer your foe by force, you increase his enmity; conquer by love, and you will reap no after-sorrow."
- Fo-Sho-Hing-Tsan-King -
 
"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for freedom of thought which they never use."
Søren Kierkegaard -
 
"In the Clinton administration we worried the president would open his zipper. In the Bush administration, they worry the president will open his mouth."
- James Carville -
 
"To present an adequate notion of learning one must first explain how the individual manages to construct and invent, not merely how he repeats and copies."
- J. Piaget -
 
"Imagine if we put troops in combat with a faulty rifle, and that rifle was malfunctioning, and troops were dying as a result. I can't think anyone would allow that to happen, that would not speak up. Well, what's the difference between a faulty plan and strategy that's getting just as many troops killed?"
- General Anthony Zinni: former commander-in-chief of the United States Central Command and Bush administration special envoy to the Middle East, on 60 Minutes -
 
"It is very nearly impossible... to become an educated person in a country so distrustful of the Independent Mind."
- James Baldwin -
 
"A daylight robbery is going on in Iraq. I have first hand information from sources in al-Bakr port in southern Iraq, and in the Turkish port of Jihan, confirming that three million oil barrels are being taken out of Iraq on a daily basis."
- Muzhir al-Dulaymi, spokesman for the League for the Defence of Iraqi Peoples' Rights -
 
"[T]here is no possibility that the occupation of Iraq will succeed in bringing freedom, democracy, or even the long-term appointment of a U.S. puppet regime in that country. The Iraqi people will never trust U.S. officials, not only because it was U.S. officials who imposed and maintained the embargo for more than a decade that callously killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children but also because the sex abuse, rape, torture, and murder scandal has destroyed any hope of winning the trust of the Iraqi people, especially the religious ones. The troops might well be kept in Iraq for the indefinite future but they will be killing and dying for nothing more than preserving 'national pride,' whatever that is."
 
    "In a New York City ballroom days before Christmas, a powerful Bush administration lawyer made an unprecedented offer to drug companies, one likely to protect their profits and potentially hurt consumers. 
    "Daniel E. Troy, lead counsel for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, extended the government's help in torpedoing certain lawsuits. Among Troy's targets: claims that medications caused devastating and unexpected side effects.
    "Pitch us lawsuits that we might get involved in, Troy told several hundred pharmaceutical attorneys, some of them old friends and acquaintances from his previous role representing major U.S. pharmaceutical firms."
 
"British and American troops are to be granted immunity from prosecution in Iraq after the crucial 30 June handover, undermining claims that the new Iraqi government will have 'full sovereignty' over the state. Despite widespread ill-feeling about the abuse of prisoners by American forces and allegations of mistreatment by British troops, coalition forces will be protected from any legal action."
 
"I once saw a photograph of a large herd of wild elephants in Central
Africa, seeing an airplane for the first time, and all in a state of wild collective terror... As, however, there were no journalists among them, the terror died down when the airplane was out of sight."
- Bertrand Russell -
 
"This information is top security. When you have read it, destroy yourself."
- Marshall McLuhan -
 
"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
- Dubya -
 
"Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."
- Lord Farquaad: Shrek -
 
Everything Else
 
Halliburton is billing the American taxpayer for shipping "sailboat fuel" across Iraq. (In a related story, the AARP has renegotiated with the Bush administration to give all American senior citizens discounts on Canadian fish bicycles.)
 
C'mon Alaska, leave Yellowstone alone.
 
Bush has been caught playing with Saddam's pistol. Don't tell Satan.
 
The ultimate right-wing paranoia flowchart about the left-wing.
 
Every Memorial Day for the last decade, several dozen children have died because they were left in locked hot cars. That'll show 'em.
 
Anton Chekov did a book signing at a Barnes and Noble in New York. He's been dead for 100 years you say? No shit. Tell it to the people lining up.
 
Somebody please explain why we're having a gasoline crisis when Iraqi oil exports have hit $10 billion since the American occupation?
 
Exercise your brain with these Famous Unsolved Codes and Ciphers.
 
Iyad Allawi is going to lead Iraq's interim government. All together now: Allawi, Allawi, I luvs yuh, Allawi, you're only a dream away.
 

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Saddam Hussein -
president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the Democratic Candidates:  Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Carol Moseley Braun, Al Sharpton
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative - http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies -
http://www.firstgov.gov/
 
Mordechai Vanunu
c/o Cathedral Church of St. George
20 Nablus Road
PO Box 19018
Jerusalem 91190
Israel
 
 
Don't let this happen to you.

Link to Disinfotainment Today with one of these tasteful banners.
 
 
because you've got so much extra money.
 
 
Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,

Angie Juswept
   ___  _____    
.'/,-Y"     "~-.  
l.Y             ^.   Visit
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com
/\               _\_
i            ___/"   "\                 _      .---
|          /"   "\   o !       _________/
|__--'@/
l         ]     o !__./      (__PAN AM/__|__===
\ _  _    \.___./    "~\  
  X \/ \            ___./        or I'll crash this plane
( \ ___.   _..--~~"   ~`-.       into Homer!
  ` Z,--   /               \    
    \__.  (   /       ______) 
      \   l  /-----~~" /
       Y   \          / 
       |    "x______.^ 
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       j            Y 

disinfotainment@earthlink.net
 

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'Best of TBH Politoons'

Click Here!



Thanks, again, Tim!

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Resident Nominated

Humor Gazette

President nominated for Purple Chin award

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from Mark

Another Bumpersticker

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Weekly Link

Sick Of This Crap!

Although the Bush administration would prefer you not contemplate the bodycount for their latest game of Stratego, we at sickofthiscrap.com honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Sick Of This Crap!



Thanks, Iyad!

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Selected Readings

from that Mad Cat, JD

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVES

THE NON-CHIMP PAYS TRIBUTE

REMEMBERING

OK, LET'S TRY CHEWING GUM

REMEMBERING: PART TWO

TEAM CHIMP

THE BISHOP MAKES A ROLL CALL

THE ATTACK OF THE SCARY GUY

MOOPEC

PAULIE RULES

THE OTHER SHITHOLE

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Sunnier & warmer.



Tonight, Tuesday:

CBS begins the night with a RERUN 'Navy NCIS', followed by a RERUN 'The Guardian', then a RERUN 'Judging Amy'.
On a RERUN Dave are Kelly Ripa and softball star Jennie Finch.
On a RERUN Craiggers are Jon Favreau, Dakota Fanning, Gene Pompa.

NBC starts the night with a RERUN 'Fear Factor', followed by the LIVE on the east coast Donald Trump's 'Miss Universe Pageant'.
On a RERUN Leno are Maria Shriver, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, and Montgomery Gentry.
On a RERUN Conan are Kristen Davis, Omar Epps, and the Holmes Brothers.
Scheduled on Carson Daly are Famke Janssen and Finch.

ABC opens the night with a RERUN '8 Simple Rules', followed by a RERUN 'I'm With Her', then a RERUN 'Jim', followed by a RERUN 'Less Than Perfect', then a FRESH 'Peter Jenning's Reporting' on LAPD.
On a RERUN Jimmy Kimmel (from 5/21/04) are Ryan Seacrest, Rose Byrne, Finger Eleven

The WB offers the SERIES PREMIERE of 'Summerland'.

Faux has a FRESH 'Summer Music Mania 2004'.

UPN has a RERUN 'One On One', followed by a RERUN 'All Of Us', then a RERUN 'One On One', followed by a RERUN 'Rock Me Baby'.

A&E has 'American Justice', a 2-hour 'Biography' (Dwight D. Eisenhower', then the movie 'Ike: Countdown To D-Day'.

AMC offers the movie 'The Longest Day', followed by the movie 'Conan The Destroyer', then the movie 'Earthquake'.

BBC  -   
[6pm] 'BBC World News' [6:30pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Chislett;     [7pm] 'House Invaders' - Blackheath;     [7:30pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Sheffield;     [8pm] 'Design Rules' - Colors;     [8:30pm] 'Design Rules' - Space and Planning;     [9pm] 'What Not to Wear' - Claire;     [9:30pm] 'What Not to Wear' - Matthew;     [10pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Hinton;     [11pm] 'Design Rules' - Colors;     [11:30pm] 'Design Rules' - Space and Planning;     [12am] 'What Not to Wear' - Claire;     [12:30am] 'What Not to Wear' - Matthew;     [1am] 'Cash in the Attic' - Hinton;     [2am] 'House Invaders' - Blackheath;     [2:30am] 'Changing Rooms' - Sheffield;     [3am] 'Design Rules' - Colors;     [3:30am] 'Design Rules' - Space and Planning;     [4am] 'What Not to Wear' - Claire;     [4:30am] 'What Not to Wear' - Matthew;     [5am] 'Cash in the Attic' - Hinton;     [6am] 'BBC World News'.    (ALL TIMES EDT)

Bravo has 'West Wing', 'Queer Eye', another 'Queer Eye', and still another 'Queer Eye'.

Comedy Central has 'MAD TV', 'Last Comic Standing', 'South Park', 'Chappelle's Show', and another 'Chappelle's Show'.
Scheduled on Jon Stewart is David Cross.

FX offers a FRESH 'The Shield'.

History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Deep Sea Detectives', 'Band Of Brothers' (part 6), and 'Investigating History'.

IFC  -   
[6AM] 'Anniversary Party' (2001);     [8AM] 'The Plague' (1992);     [9:45AM] 'Passion In The Desert' (1998);     [11:30AM] 'IFC Short Film Collection I';     [1:30PM] 'The Plague' (1992);     [3:15PM] 'Passion In The Desert' (1998);     [5PM] 'IFC Short Film Collection II';     [7PM] Short: Blink Of Paradise' (2000);     [7:15PM] 'Shower' (1999);     [9PM] 'Dinner For Five #31' (2004);     [9:30PM] 'Rocked With Gina Gershon - Episode 2' (2004);     [10PM] 'Quills' (2000);     [12:15AM] 'Boys Don't Cry';     [2:15AM] 'Cherry Falls' (2000);     [3:50AM] 'Quills' (2000).    (ALL TIMES EDT)

SciFi has the movie 'Waterworld', followed by movie 'Riverworld'.

Sundance  -   
[6:30AM] 'Gotham Fish Tales' (Documentary);     [7:45AM] 'Downtown 81' (Feature);     [9AM] 'My Father's Son' (Documentary);     [10:30AM] 'Marathon' (World Cinema);     [11:45AM] 'Traveler' (Short);     [12PM] 'Barrier Device' (Short);     [12:30PM] 'Cul de Sac: A Suburban War Story' (Documentary);     [1:30PM] 'Cunnamulla' (Documentary);     [3PM] 'The Blank Generation' (Documentary);     [4PM] 'The Business of Fancydancing' (Feature);     [5:45PM] 'Gotham Fish Tales' (Documentary);     [7PM] 'My Father's Son' (Documentary);     [8:30PM] 'Barrier Device' (Short);     [9PM] 'Anatomy of a Scene: The Door in the Floor' (Original Production);     [9:30PM] 'Marathon' (World Cinema);     [11PM] 'She's Gotta Have It' (Feature);     [12:30AM] 'The Hired Hand' (Feature);     [2AM] 'Butterfly Kiss' (World Cinema);     [3:30AM] 'Read My Lips' (Feature);     [5:30AM] 'Swimming' (Feature).    (ALL TIMES EDT)

TCM pays tribute most of the morning and all of the afternoon to Frank Morgan, who was born on this day in 1890. The evening celebrates Cary Grant and features a heaping helping of Alfred Hitchcock ♥.
 [6am]    'The Half-Naked Truth' (1933);
 [7:30am]    'Broadway To Hollywood' (1933);
 [9am]    'Success At Any Price' (1934);
 [10:30am]   'By Your Leave' (1935);
 [12pm]    'The Perfect Gentleman' (1935);
 [1:15pm]    'I Live My Life' (1935);
 [3pm]    'Henry Goes Arizona' (1939);
 [4:30pm]    'Broadway Serenade' (1939);
 [6:30pm]    'Washington Melodrama' (1941);

 [8pm]    'Cary Grant: A Class Apart' (2004);
 [9:30pm]    'North By Northwest' (1959) ♥;
 [12am]    'Cary Grant: A Class Apart' (2004);
 [1:30am]    'Notorious' (1946) ♥;
 [3:15am]    'Suspicion' (1941) ♥;
 [5am]    'Suzy' (1936).
    (ALL TIMES EDT)


Wednesday  -  06/02

TCM:
 [7am]    'The Spellbinder' (1939);
 [8:15am]    'Mexican Spitfire Sees A Ghost' (1942);
 [9:30am]    'Betrayal From The East' (1945);
 [11am]    'Ride The Pink Horse' (1947);
 [1pm]    'Magnificent Obsession' (1954);
 [3pm]    'Man Of A Thousand Faces' (1957);
 [5:30pm]    'Love Me Or Leave Me' (1955);
 [8pm]    'The Man With The Golden Arm' (1955);
 [10:15pm]    'Bunny Lake Is Missing' (1965);
 [12:15am]    'Exodus' (1960);
 [3:45am]    'Sweet Bird Of Youth' (1962).    (ALL TIMES EDT)



Any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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Fromer NBC news personality Jane Pauley applauds the graduating class of Brown University after receiving an honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree Monday, May 31, 2004, in Providence, R.I.
Photo by Stew Milne

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The Information One-Stop

Moose & Squirrel

Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop

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Richard Pryor's Wife

Jennifer Lee

The current Mrs. Richard Pryor sure is a survivor. The iconic black American comedian pulled a gun on Jennifer Lee, beat her up and was wired to the moon on cocaine most of the time. They divorced in 1982 but later remarried.

Now she lovingly tends him through multiple sclerosis and the bullets from the gun have been framed on a bulletin board as a macabre memento of tempestuous times.

They share a bizarre sense of humor that echoes his profane stand-up routines.

For a lot more, Jennifer Lee

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A youngster walks among 810 crosses lining the sand on the beach in Santa Monica, California May 31, 2004. The crosses represent men and women killed in military action in Iraq as the United States observes Memorial Day, a day of remembrance for those who have died in the nation's military service. Official Pentagon statistics show 802 U.S. dead and 4,682 wounded in Iraq as of Friday morning.
Photo by Robert Galbraith

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Islamic Institute Urges 1987 Novel Banned

Nawal el-Saadawi

The leading Muslim institute Al-Azhar has urged the Egyptian government to ban a 1987 novel by the outspoken feminist Nawal el-Saadawi, saying it violates Islam.

El-Saadawi rejected the criticism Monday, saying her book, The Fall of The Imam, concerns the abuse of religion and the alliances forged between corrupt politicians and religious establishments.

El-Saadawi, 72, has often stirred controversy. Many of her 42 books have been banned in Egypt or other Arab states, or condemned by critics. Her works challenge conventional attitudes toward women and religion, and accuse Arab governments of being undemocratic.

Nawal el-Saadawi

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In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

bartcook

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Bemoans Today's Music Industry

Linda Ronstadt

Linda Ronstadt, whose singing career began in the 1960s, says today's music industry values sex appeal more than talent.

"If you are someone like Beyonce who happens to be gorgeous and talented, well great. But there are a lot of people who are not paid attention to because they don't look like a fashion model," the 57-year-old singer said.

Linda Ronstadt

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Afghan refugee mother and child wait to leave for Afghanistan, Monday, May 31, 2004 from Lahore, Pakistan. Most of the Afghan refugees who fled their country from war and severe drought are returning back. Some of them are still reluctant to go back due to uncertainity in their country.
Photo by K.M.Chaudary

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New Howie Mandel Comedy Show

Bravo

Bravo has ordered six episodes of a Howie Mandel vehicle originally set up at its NBC corporate sibling.

The tentatively titled "Hidden Howie" could air on the cable network as early as the fourth quarter. The improvisational half-hour series stars Mandel as himself interacting with a mix of actors and real people.

The "Howie" pilot was originally shot last year for NBC, which ultimately passed. Undeterred, Mandel retooled the concept and reshot the project.

Bravo

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Formerly 'The Vidiot'

pissed

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New Opera Debuts

'Call Me Ishmael'

A new English-language opera based on Herman Melville's classic "Moby Dick" premiered in Amsterdam for a one-night performance in the Stadsschouwburg, or city music hall.

Named after the book's famous opening line, "Call Me Ishmael" drew a full house Sunday and standing ovation for composer Gary Goldschneider, who had worked on the piece for nearly 20 years.

Lyrics were drawn from the novel, and the music, performed by the Rotterdam Chamber Orchestra, was equally influenced by American musical theater and classic opera.

'Call Me Ishmael'

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New York Mets right fielder Karim Garcia handles an errant beach ball, shaped like a baseball, during the first inning of their National League game against the Philadelphia Phillies, in Philadelphia, May 31, 2004. The game was suspended in the third inning after a rain delay.
Photo by Tim Shaffer

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To Be Buried Wednesday in Berlin

Helmut Newton

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder plans to attend this week's Berlin burial of acclaimed photographer Helmut Newton, who died in a Los Angeles car crash.

Newton, who fled Berlin in 1938 to escape persecution as a Jew, is being buried Wednesday in his native Schoeneberg district, near the grave of actress Marlene Dietrich. Schroeder will attend the burial and a memorial event at Berlin's City Hall with Newton's widow June, the Welt Am Sonntag newspaper reported.

The photographer, born Helmut Neustaedter, returned to Berlin last October to donate more than 1,000 of his photos to a new gallery, saying he was proud to have his work displayed in his hometown.

Helmut Newton

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Zookeepers Use TV

Gorillas

Like any 14-year-old, Patrick has varying tastes in television shows.

While he likes cartoons and public television, he's bored with sports. But National Geographic specials fascinate him.

Patrick is among five western lowland gorillas who have been moved to the Dallas Zoo's indoor holding area since a March 18 escape and attack by another gorilla.

The gorillas are fond of Disney cartoons, with "The Little Mermaid," "The Lion King" and "Beauty and the Beast" ranking high on their list of favorites.

Gorillas

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Jessica Shortland from the Save the Parrot organization takes Gizmo a Blue and Yellow Macaw, for a shower in the fountains in London's Trafalgar Square, Monday May 31, 2004, after the organization delivered a petition to British Prime minister Tony Blair's London residence 10 Downing Street, calling for the ban on the World bird trade on this World Parrot day.
Photo by Richard Lewis

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