Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 30 March, 2004

Tuesday

30 March, 2004

big hammer - bigger hammer

(Updated Daily)

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Issue #98

Disinfotainment Today

By Michael Dare

Clarifying the Difference Between This, That, and The Other Thing
 
Issue #98
is brought to you by
Issue #97
 
 
Calling All DJs
 
Check out this excellent guide to Protest Music for the 21st Century and play something meaningful for your listeners, even if the only listener is you.
 
People You Don't Normally Think About
 
    Meet Dudley Hiibel. He's a 59 year old cowboy who owns a small ranch outside of Winnemucca, Nevada. He lives a simple life, but he's his own man. You probably never would have heard of Dudley Hiibel if it weren't for his belief in the U.S. Constitution.
    One balmy May evening back in 2000, Dudley was standing around minding his own business when all of a sudden, a policeman pulled-up and demanded that Dudley produce his ID. Dudley, having done nothing wrong, declined. He was arrested and charged with "failure to cooperate" for refusing to show ID on demand.
    The issue is before the Supreme Court. Go to Hiibel's site, watch the video, and decide for yourself because God knows you can't trust the Supreme Court's decision.
 
Calling all Screenwriters
 
It's a newsletter that's only been out a couple weeks but it's enough for me to say that CS Daily is absolutely mandatory reading. Incredibly well written, constantly fascinating, better than Variety and Reporter, and best of all, free.
 
Har Dee Har Har
 
Here's a transcript of one of Dubya's latest speeches in which he makes gosh darn fun of just about everything, as though his entire time in office was just one big joke.
 
Gallery of the Week
Memorializing that magic moment when the distribution
of LSD moved from sugar cubes to Blotter Art.
 
Let Freedom Ring
 
The pro-Israel lobby has slipped an anti-Free Speech resolution
through the House; This resolution would criminalize criticism of
Israeli policies on US college campuses. Whatever you think of Israeli policies, I think you'll have to agree it shouldn't actually be illegal to criticize them. Contact your Senators listed below, or go here, and politely request they vote against H.R.3077.
Backwards Jigsaw Puzzle
I give you the answers, you figure out the questions.
(Hint: There's only one question.)
 
Thanks to Mad Kane for the inspiration.
 
Don't Take My Word For It
 
"Even if Bush does not believe he lied to or misled the public, how can he make fun of the rationale for a war that has killed and maimed thousands? Imagine if Lyndon Johnson had joked about the trumped-up Gulf of Tonkin incident that he deceitfully used as a rationale for U.S. military action in Vietnam: 'Who knew that fish had torpedoes?' Or if Ronald Reagan appeared at a correspondents event following the truck-bombing at the Marines barracks in Beirut--which killed over 200 American servicemen--and said, 'Guess we forgot to put in a stop light'... Yet there was Bush--apparently having a laugh at his own expense, but actually doing so on the graves of thousands. This was a callous and arrogant display. For Bush, the misinformation--or disinformation--he peddled before the war was no more than material for yucks. As the audience laughed along, he smiled. The false statements (or lies) that had launched a war had become merely another punchline."
 
"FBI translator, Sibel Edmonds, was offered a substantial raise and a full time job in order to not go public that she had been asked by the Department of Justice (DOJ) to retranslate and adjust the translations of [terrorist] subject intercepts that had been received before September 11, 2001 by the FBI and CIA. Edmonds, a ten year U.S. citizen who has passed a polygraph examination, speaks fluent Farsi and Turkish and had been working part time with the FBI for six months-- commencing in December, 2001. In a 50 reporter frenzy in front of some 12 news cameras, Edmonds said 'Attorney General John Ashcroft told me 'he was invoking State Secret Privilege and National Security' when I told the FBI I wanted to go public with what I had translated from the pre 9-11 intercepts.' 'I appeared once on CBS 60 Minutes but I have been silenced by Mr. Ashcroft, the FBI follows me, and I was threatened with jail in 2002 if I went public,' Edmonds told tomflocco.com."
 
"Today before the 9/11 panel, Colin Powell repeated the lie told by Condi Rice last week as to: why an armed Predator was not used to take Osama Bin Laden out in the summer of 2001. Both Rice and Powell say the armed Predator (unmanned plane) was 'not operational.' This is a bald-faced lie. From CNews: 'By summer 2001, the Predator was armed for another test in the Nevada desert that destroyed a mock-up of a home bin Laden was suspected of using in Afghanistan...Hellfire missiles were attached to the drone after unarmed Predators flown by the CIA from Uzbekistan to Afghanistan spotted a man that several U.S. intelligence analysts believed was bin Laden, or his trademark Japanese truck, as many as three times in September and October 2000, the officials said.' What is the penalty for lying to Congress?"
 
    "Bush arguably has committed the greatest strategic blunder in modern memory. To put it bluntly, he attacked the wrong target. While he boasts of removing Saddam Hussein from power, he did far more than that. He decapitated the government of a country that was not directly threatening the United States and, in so doing, bogged down a huge percentage of our military in a region that never has known peace. Our military is being forced to trade away its maneuverability in the wider war against terrorism while being placed on the defensive in a single country that never will fully accept its presence.
    "There is no historical precedent for taking such action when our country was not being directly threatened. The reckless course that Bush and his advisers have set will affect the economic and military energy of our nation for decades. It is only the tactical competence of our military that, to this point, has protected him from the harsh judgment that he deserves."
 
"First, it is appalling that the FCC has spent so much time focusing on and singling out one broadcaster for special persecution to the vast exclusion of others. How can this administrative bureaucracy of the executive believe that it is upholding the Constitution of this country by fining, admonishing, and attempting to exile a single broadcaster, Howard Stern, while not raising a finger against others with similar objectionable material? How is Oprah Winfreys humorous discussion of oral sex on March 18, 2004, any less objectionable than anything on the Howard Stern show? Similar content is shown daily on the Jerry Springer show. By far, the most objectionable material I have ever heard is the regular humiliation the Maury Povich show broadcasts when it parades men and women through a television circus in order to find out the parentage of the women's children."
 
"Imitating the ostrich-like posture of certain German Jews who ignored the growing danger during Hitler's rise to power, today's liberals are deliberately blind to the real threats of violence that surround us. Their narcissistic self-image requires absolute solicitude toward angry savages plotting acts of terrorism. The only people who scare them are the ones who worship a Jew."
- Ann Coulter: The Passion of the Liberal -
 
"I'd rather hear Freddy Krueger drag his nails across a chalkboard than listen to the lunatic ravings of Ann Coulter -- but if there was a government-endorsed movement to silence Coulter, I'd be the first in line to protest on her behalf. This is America, and even a stick-thin harridan with an irrational hatred of liberals deserves to be heard! Life in America in 2004 shouldn't be so different from life in America in 2003 just because Janet Jackson's nipple-shielded breast flopped out on TV for a second."
 
"Man, if I had breasts and the opportunity to flash the world, I'd sure as hell do it. Bravo for Janet."
- Xarvon, Alien Investigator -
 
"Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader is getting a little help from his friends and from George W. Bush's friends. Nearly 10 percent of the Nader contributors who have given him at least $250 each have a history of supporting the Republican president, national GOP candidates or the party, according to computer-assisted review of financial records by The Dallas Morning News."
 
"At the beginning of the last century, nine out of ten people killed in war were soldiers. At the beginning of this century, nine out of ten people killed in war are civilians, most of them children."
- A Child's Century of War: Free Speech TV -
 
"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought."
- Matsuo Basho -
 
"A Vote For Bush? A No-Brainer!"
- Dave Cogan -
 
"Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water."
- Swedish Proverb -
 
"Generation Y needs its own Cobain: We need someone unafraid to break through the slick candy icing of pedophilic Britney Culture and deliver a relentless 'Fuck You' to the World. We need someone to stand up and say, 'America is full of bullshit and here's why.' We need someone to infiltrate the mass media with Pure Fucking Energy and decry our societal loss of Innovation. And above all, we need to ask the question: Is Marty Beckerman this Majestic Savior from Above?"
 
"This White House has decided that there is not any inherent value in meaningful public dialogue, and for the past three years it has been mostly right from a purely strategic standpoint."
 
"If you are losing a tug-of-war with a tiger, give him the rope before he gets to your arm. You can always buy a new rope."
- Max Gunther -
 
"Love is bigger than government."
- Jesse Ventura -
 
"They didn't plan on co-producing the largest lesbian gathering in the world when they moved to California."

"It's democracy, I mean you have to deal with everybody else so you learn how to give everybody their space and it just makes you calm. You're cool. Everybody, from the band to the people who are taking you to the gig to why the microphone isn't working. We learn how to love everything about everything. It's beautiful. You don't like this song? It's okay, we're still going to play in tune. I don't like the way you're playing on the beat? That's okay, we're still gonna be swingin'."
- Wynton Marsalis on The Daily Show explaining why jazz musicians are cool -
 
    "The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled last Tuesday that Web loggers, website operators and e-mail list editors can't be held responsible for libel for information they republish, extending crucial First Amendment protections to do-it-yourself online publishers.
    "Online free speech advocates praised the decision as a victory. The ruling effectively differentiates conventional news media, which can be sued relatively easily for libel, from certain forms of online communication such as moderated e-mail lists. One implication is that DIY publishers like bloggers cannot be sued as easily."
 
    "The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled last Tuesday that as long as I'm a Web logger, I can say whatever I want and nobody can do dick about it. As a 'do-it-yourself online publisher,' I'd just like to say you can take the first amendment and shove it. I don't need your stinking protection. Go protect someone else. Your 'protection' demeans what I do. You're basically saying that only 'conventional news media' is worthy of being sued for libel. Why is that? There are just as many if not more dirty lying bastards in the 'conventional news media' as there are 'online.' Why do people who avoid dead trees get special treatment? Besides, anybody can sue anybody for anything. Everybody knows that. You can't 'protect' me from being sued. If anyone wants to sue me, they will, whether they have a good case or not, and they'll win because I can't afford a lawyer. Fuck 'em, and fuck you too. There's no stopping me."
- Xarvon, Self-Destructive Bastard Who Will Never Be Invited to Place His Comments Here Ever Again -

    "Say you were a terrorist in the late 1990s, around the time Osama bin Laden was planning the attack on the World Trade Center, and you wanted to get your hands on some weapons of mass destruction. You could have tried to track them down in Iraq, at one of the chemical-weapons facilities that the Bush administration accused Saddam Hussein of operating. Of course, neither the United Nations nor the U.S. military has managed to find a single chemical weapon in Iraq, so you probably would have come away empty-handed.
    "Or you could have just paid a visit to Newport, Tenn., population 7,242. There, east of town, past the Pigeon River and the True Gospel Free Will Baptist Church and the county dump, you would have stopped near a gated drive that led up a steep slope known as Rock Hill. Beyond that gate, in a small wooden shed, you would have found what you were after. No intricate alarm system to disable, not even a padlock on the shed's door -- just a thin pine branch jammed in the hasp. And behind that door, canisters filled with PFIB, a deadly, lung-attacking gas restricted under the 1997 Chemical Weapons Convention."
- Miles Harvey: Welcome to Armageddon -
 
    "Say you were Osama bin Laden and you wanted to make a video tape to show the world what you had to say. For the past few years, anybody on earth with access to commerce has been able to walk into an electronics store and buy a digital video camera with impeccable picture and digital stereo sound. They're down to around a hundred bucks but have been around for years. Even three years ago, a billionaire like bin Laden could have easily sent a minion to a Good Guys to purchase a camera, and hey, why not one of the best? Surely Osama could have afforded a Betacam or Canon GL2? So why do all his 'tapes' look like they were shot with a VHS camera circa 1985? Everyone knows that digital technology offers perfect reproduction, ESPECIALLY an Arab in a Circuit City, and DOGME95 makes it quite clear that lights are unnecessary. Why aren't Osama's tapes technically perfect?
    "Say you wanted to fool the public into believing that the attacks of 9/11 were from Osama bin Laden, an employee of the CIA living in Afghanistan. You'd produce tapes from bin Laden that looked home-made and backwards, with bad video quality and PARTICULARLY bad audio so that the actual words would be debatable and you could come up with your own translation that suited your purposes. An actual terrorist who actually had something to say would have made sure the quality of the video was perfect. Only a master of fooling the public would have deliberately produced low-tech work that looked like it came from a low-tech tribe in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Gimme a break. You think Osama doesn't have satellite? He knows what TV looks like. There's no reason he would deliberately produce something tacky with an antiquated camera. He would want his words to be heard PRECISELY. It was an actor, or Osama himself is an actor. Either way, his tapes are 'produced' pieces of propaganda."
- Xarvon, Alien Investigator Rehired -
 
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
- Unknown -
 
"It's important, when you read the inevitable attempts to impugn the character of the latest whistle-blower, to realize just how risky it is to reveal awkward truths about the Bush administration. When Gen. Eric Shinseki told Congress that postwar Iraq would require a large occupation force, that was the end of his military career. When Ambassador Joseph Wilson IV revealed that the 2003 State of the Union speech contained information known to be false, someone in the White House destroyed his wife's career by revealing that she was a C.I.A. operative. And we now know that Richard Foster, the Medicare system's chief actuary, was threatened with dismissal if he revealed to Congress the likely cost of the administration's prescription drug plan."
- Paul Krugman: Lifting the Shroud -
 
"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
- Sigmund Freud -
 
"Demons bother only those who bother them."
- Sefer Hasidim -
 
Everything Else
 
 
No Irish have died. All Ireland does is let the US land its planes there, yet thousands rallied in Dublin against the war.
 
Here's a handy-dandy transcription of the 9/11 hearings so far.
 
Change the hand cursor on your computer to something a bit more obnoxious.
 
 

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Saddam Hussein -
president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the Democratic Candidates:  Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Carol Moseley Braun, Al Sharpton
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative - http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies -
http://www.firstgov.gov/
 
 
Don't let this happen to you

Link to Disinfotainment Today with one of these tasteful banners.
 
or I'll have to get a job.
 
 
Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form. This little chunk of type at the bottom of the page has been reprinted so many times that no one looks at it any more so I can basically say what I want and no will read it anyway. Poop. There, I said it. Basically, if you're still reading, it is further proof that you are suffering from "Got Nothing Better To Do" syndrome, which has been around since caveman days. I don't know what I'm doing here any more than you do. If you're still pissed off, hey, get over it. Everything is either satire or fair use and I'd like to see you prove otherwise.

Thanks,

Yuri Diculous
 
                ,;;;;;,  
   ,-._______, .```````. Visit
http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com
--' ///______] {(O)-(O)} 
   / _/C)       \  U  /  or I'll shoot Andy Dick!
--/__=           \ 0 /  
--
 
 
 
 
 

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'TBH Politoons'

Click Here!



Thanks, again, Tim!

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Readers Link

Chernobyl Tour

a biker's tour of Chernobyl


Thanks to both quirkie and Mick

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National "I'm Embarassed By My President" Day

April 1st



"I'm Embarrassed by My President" Day


Thanks, Tiera!

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Reader Comment

Re: The Day The Clown Cried

Can I ask what the Medveds would know about good movies?

Michael "Hollywood is full of pagans" Medved can't stand anything that portrays REAL life, as opposed to his narrow neo-con view of the world!

Terry C
NJ


Thanks, Terry!

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from Mark

Another Bumpersticker

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Selected Readings

from that Mad Cat, JD

THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR REPUGS

SHOW ME BITCH

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S THE WAXMAN

HAVE A CLARKE BAR

THE PASSION OF THE JERKS

OUR MEDIA SUCKS

LET THEM EAT RICE

MORE ON A REAL AMERICAN HERO

SHHH

SABBATH GASBAGS

PUFFED RICE

WHAT A CROCK OF RICE

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVATISM IN ACTION

CONSERVATIVES MAKE ME PUKE

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Still too warm and the air smells bad.

We had our first 1st stage power shortage alert today. And gas is still hanging around $2.17/gal.

Why, I'll bet there isn't a scintilla of evidence of collusion and/or price manipulations again - nope, not a one.

When Chimpy took office, California was screwed by Cheney's energy buddies. The only difference is now, we have Ahnold, the republican sitting in the governor's office.

And I'm sure he's looking out for the average citizen. Uh-huh.



Tonight, Tuesday, CBS begins the night with a RERUN 'Navy NCIS', followed by a FRESH 'Century City', then a RERUN 'Judging Amy'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Dave are Matthew Perry and Lou Reed.
Scheduled on a FRESH Craiggers are Jill Hennessey and Eamon.

NBC opens the night with a FRESH 'Whoopi', followed by a FRESH 'Happy Family', then a FRESH 'Frasier', followed by a FRESH 'Scrubs', then a FRESH 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Leno are Amanda Peet, Adam Mesh, and Kenny Chesney.
Scheduled on a FRESH Conan are Bob Costas, Brian Posehn, and Toby Lightman.
Scheduled on a FRESH Carson Daly are Matthew Modine, Linda Cardellini, and Joss Stone.

ABC starts the night with a FRESH '8 Simple Rules', followed by a FRESH 'I'm With Her', then a FRESH 'Jim', followed by a FRESH 'It's All Relative', then a FRESH 'NYPD Blue'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jimmy Kimmel are Linda Cardellini and singer/dancer Mr. Phil.

The WB offers a RERUN 'Gilmore Girls', followed by a RERUN 'High School Reunion'.

Faux has a FRESH 'American Idol', followed by a FRESH '24' (Day 3: 4am - 5am).

UPN has a FRESH 'One On One', followed by a FRESH 'All Of Us', then a FRESH 'Rock Me Baby', then a FRESH 'Rock Me Baby'.

A&E has 'American Justice', 'Biography' (Mackenzie Phillips), 'Cold Case Files', and 'The Other Man'.

AMC offers the movie 'Donovan's Reef', followed by the movie 'Star Trek: The Motion Picture', then the movie 'The War Of The Worlds'.

BBC  -    [6pm]   'BBC World News';   [6:30pm]   'Cash in the Attic' - Posner;   [7pm]   'House Invaders' - Warrington A;   [7:30pm]   'Changing Rooms' - Plymouth;   [8pm]   'Changing Rooms' - Thame;   [8:30pm]   'Changing Rooms' - Heybridge;   [9pm]   'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;   [9:30pm]   'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;   [10pm]   'Cash in the Attic' - Allen;   [11pm]   'Changing Rooms' - Thame;   [11:30pm]   'Changing Rooms' - Heybridge;   [12am]   'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;   [12:30am]   'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;   [1am]   'Cash in the Attic' - Allen;   [2am]   'House Invaders' - Warrington A;   [2:30am]   'Changing Rooms' - Plymouth;   [3am]   'Changing Rooms' - Thame;   [3:30am]   'Changing Rooms' - Heybridge;   [4am]   'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;   [4:30am]   'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;   [5am]   'Cash in the Attic' - Allen;   [6am]   'BBC World News'.    (ALL TIMES EST)

Bravo has 'West Wing', 'Queer Eye', 'Significant Others', a FRESH 'Significant Others', and another 'Queer Eye'.

Comedy Central has 'MAD TV', 'Crank Yankers', 'Insomniac', 'South Park', 'Chappelle's Show', and another 'Crank Yankers'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jon Stewart is Richard Clarke.

FX has a FRESH 'The Shield'.

History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Remeber The Alamo', and 'Wild West Tech'.

IFC  -    [2PM]   'The Last Broadcast';   [3:30PM]   'Return of the Secaucus Seven' (1981);   [5:30PM]   'God Said Ha!' (1999);   [7PM]   'Songcatcher' (1999);   [9PM]   'Dinner For Five 12';   [9:30PM]   'Apocalypse Now' (1979);   [1AM]   'Hedwig and the Angry Inch' (2000);   [2AM]   'Apocalypse Now' (1979).    (ALL TIMES EST)

SciFi has 'Stargate SG-1', followed by the movie 'The Bride Of Chucky', then 'Mad Mad House'.

Sundance  -    [2:30PM]   'Bhaji On The Beach' (World Cinema);   [4:15PM]   'The Dream Catcher' (Feature);   [6PM]   'Sisters' (Feature);   [7:35PM]   'Marathon' (World Cinema);   [9PM]   'Tanner '88: Something Borrowed, Something New' (Short);   [9:30PM]   'Carrington' (Feature);   [11:35PM]   'Romeo Is Bleeding' (Feature);   [1:30AM]   '24 Hour Party People' (Feature);   [3:30AM]   'Shorts Program 117' (Short);   [4:30AM]   'The Crow' (Feature).    (ALL TIMES EST)

TCM:
TCM celebrates Joel McCrea all day.
 [6am]    'Chance At Heaven' (1934);
 [7:30am]    'Gambling Lady' (1934);
 [9am]    'These Three' (1936);
 [10:45am]    'Dead End' (1937);
 [12:30pm]    'Espionage Agent' (1939);
 [2pm]    'Foreign Correspondent' (1940);
 [4pm]    'The Outriders' (1950);
 [6pm]    'Colorado Territory' (1949);

 [8pm]    'In Name Only' (1939);
 [10pm]    'Hit The Deck' (1955);
 [12am]    'Three Strangers' (1946);
 [2am]    'Song Of Russia' (1943);
 [4am]    'The Flying Fleet' (1928) SILENT ;
 [5:30am]    'MGM Parade Show #22' (1955).    (ALL TIMES EST)


Wednesday  -  03/31

TCM has secrets all morning, pays tribute to Shirley Jones (who celebrates her 70th birthday today) all afternoon, and then devotes all night to Charlie Chaplin.
 [6:00 am]    'The Secret Heart' (1946);
 [8am]    'The Secret Partner' (1961);
 [10am]    'The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty' (1947);
 [12pm]    'The Secret Of My Success' (1965);
 [2pm]    'A Ticklish Affair' (1963);
 [3:30pm]    'The Courtship Of Eddie's Father' (1963);
 [5:30pm]    'Oklahoma!' (1955);

 [8pm]    'Chaplin Today: Monsieur Verdoux' (2003);
 [8:30pm]    'Monsieur Verdoux' (1947);
 [10:30pm]    'Chaplin Today: Limelight' (2003);
 [11pm]    'Limelight' (1952);
 [1:15am]    'Charlie: The Life and Art of Charles Chaplin' (2003);
 [3:30am]    'A King in New York' (1957);
 [5:30am]    'Chaplin Today: A King in New York' (2003).
    (ALL TIMES EST)



Any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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Actor Robert Redford receives an award from actress Meryl Streep while being honored by the Natural Resources Defense Council at its 'Sixth Annual Forces for Nature' Gala, in New York, on March 29, 2004.
Photo by Albert Ferreira

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The Information One-Stop

Moose & Squirrel

Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop

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Tickets Sold Out in 16 Minutes

Alicia Keys

All of the more than 1,200 tickets for Alicia Keys' concert at Copenhagen's 18th-century Royal Theater were sold in 16 minutes, organizers said Monday.

The 23-year-old R&B singer will perform June 16 on the theater's main Old Stage, which dates from 1874. The Royal Theater has said it is the first time ever that a pop star would perform there.

Alicia Keys

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Wins PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction

John Updike

Celebrated author John Updike added another honor to his list on Monday when he was named the winner of the 2004 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction for his short story collection, "The Early Stories."

The Updike collection, containing most of his stories from between 1953 and 1975 and published by Alfred A. Knopf, was chosen ahead of four other finalists by the judges -- fellow writers Ron Carlson, Chitra Divakaruni and Elizabeth Strout.

Updike, who has written more than 50 books, including 20 novels and collections of short stories, poems and criticism, receives a $15,000 prize.

John Updike

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Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee arrive at New York's Apollo Theater before a taped celebration of the theater's 70th anniversary Sunday, March 28, 2004. The event will be broadcast in June as a two-hour special.
Photo by Diane Bondareff

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'King Kong'

Jack Black

Comic actor Jack Black has been in cast alongside Naomi Watts in Peter Jackson's remake of "King Kong," the director said Monday.

Black will play Carl Denham, an adventurer filmmaker who is trying to make a name for himself in 1930s New York. Robert Armstrong played the role in the 1933 original. (Jackson has said he is pretending the 1976 update does not exist.)

Jack Black

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Thrown To Ratings Wolves

'Kingdom Hospital'

ABC has all but unplugged the life support machinery for one of its newest dramas, "Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital," after four weeks of hemorrhaging ratings.

ABC said on Monday it would move the struggling program next week to 9 p.m. on Thursdays for the remainder of its run, essentially throwing it to the ratings wolves opposite two of television's biggest hits -- "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" on CBS and "The Apprentice" on NBC.

ABC plans to air a fifth episode of "Kingdom Hospital" this Wednesday before moving the show to its new Thursday berth next week. In its place next Wednesday, ABC will launch a new edition of romance reality show "The Bachelor" with a two-hour premiere at 9 p.m. The following week, April 14, "Extreme Makeover" will move into the 10 p.m. Wednesday slot.

'Kingdom Hospital'

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In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

bartcook

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ABC & Fox

Lineup Shuffle

ABC is about to perform a time-slot makeover on "Extreme Makeover," while Fox is flip-flopping the Thursday and Friday time slots of fledgling drama "Wonderfalls" and reality-soap "Forever Eden."

ABC's reality show chronicling plastic surgery transformations is moving out of primetime's toughest time slot -- the Thursday 9 p.m. hour, where the competition includes CBS' "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" and NBC's "The Apprentice" -- to Wednesday 10 p.m. as of April 14.

Meanwhile, Fox is planning to test out a Thursday 9 p.m. time-slot shuffle this week by temporarily relocating "Wonderfalls" from Friday to Thursday to pair the critically praised series with fellow freshman drama "Tru Calling." "Forever Eden" moves from Thursday 9 p.m. to "Wonderfalls"' Friday 9 p.m. time slot, where it will run in tandem with 8 p.m. dating-reality show "Playing It Straight."

Lineup Shuffle

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Singer Janet Jackson talks to David Letterman on 'The Late Show with David Letterman,' Monday, March 29, 2004, in Jackson's first network television interview since her performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. Her new album 'Damita Jo' will be released tomorrow, Tuesday, March 30.
Photo by John Paul Filo

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No Evidence of Abuse

Stephen Hawking

Police investigating alleged assaults on disabled scientist Stephen Hawking said on Monday there was no evidence to substantiate the claims.

Cambridgeshire detectives launched a probe in January into allegations that 62-year-old Hawking, best-selling author of "A Brief History of Time," had been subjected to abuse.

"Based on what I have learned, I can find no evidence to substantiate any assertion that anyone has perpetrated any criminal acts against Professor Hawking," said Detective Superintendent Michael Campbell who led the inquiry.

Stephen Hawking

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Slesinger Suit Tossed

Disney Suit

A California judge on Monday threw out a lawsuit that could have cost the Walt Disney Co. hundreds of millions of dollars from sales of Winnie the Pooh products, saying Disney's legal foes tampered with evidence, court documents showed.

Stephen Slesinger Inc., the family firm suing Disney, "is dishonest and shows no remorse," Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Charles McCoy wrote in the decision, which backed Disney's accusations that Slesinger's actions were illegal and that its case should be dismissed as punishment.

A lawyer for Slesinger said the family would appeal the decision in state court and noted that McCoy had not addressed the family's main claims against Disney.

Disney Suit

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Formerly 'The Vidiot'

pissed

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Eight Years

Bertrand Cantat

A Lithuanian court sentenced French singer Bertrand Cantat to eight years in prison for fatally beating his actress girlfriend Marie Trintignant, in a case that has riveted France.

Cantat, the 40-year-old lead singer of the group Noir Desir, remained stone-faced as the three-judge panel found him guilty of causing the death of Trintignant, 41, during a fight in their Vilnius hotel room last July.

Trintignant, the daughter of veteran French film star Jean-Louis Trintignant, had been in Vilnius to shoot a television movie about the French writer Colette, directed by her mother Nadine.

Bertrand Cantat

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This detail photographed at the Museum of Science in Boston, March 15, 2004, is from a paper written in 1946, in which Albert Einstein explained how he derived the formula E=MC(2), a consequence of his Special Theory of Relativity, first published in 1905. The letter is part of an exhibit about the life and work of the genius on display through June 2004.
Photo by Josh Reynolds

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Lawyer Seeks Jail Order Rescinded

Diana Ross

Diana Ross shouldn't be required to serve time at the county jail here because unforeseen circumstances prevented the singer from serving a consecutive jail term in Connecticut, her lawyer says.

Lawyer James Nesci has asked Tucson City Court Magistrate T. Jay Cranshaw to rescind his order requiring Ross to serve time in Tucson.

Nesci, in a court document filed last week, claims Ross was unable to serve her time consecutively because of staffing problems at the jail.

Diana Ross

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Arrested in Texas

Jason Patric

Actor Jason Patric was arrested on misdemeanor charges of public intoxication and resisting arrest Monday.

According to police, Patric, 37, was with a group of people standing in a downtown street about 3 a.m. when they were asked by officers to move.

Patric moved slowly toward the sidewalk, but then took an aggressive stance, police said. When they tried to arrest him, Patric resisted and shoved an officer, according to police.

According to the arrest warrant, Patric insisted he was not drunk and that officers should test him. Police spokesman Kevin Buchman said there is no test administered for public intoxication and officers only need to have suspicion.

Jason Patric

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In Memory

Peter Ustinov

Oscar-winning British actor and playwright Peter Ustinov, one of the world's best loved raconteurs and mimics, has died at the age of 82.

Author of more than a dozen books and even more theatrical works in a career spanning more than 60 years, Ustinov died of heart failure in a clinic near his home on the shores of Lake Geneva on Sunday night, his family said.

"It was not a surprise, he was pretty ill. He had had a busy life and he was tired," his son Igor Ustinov told Reuters in a telephone interview. "But he certainly was not ready to go," he added.

The United Nations' Children's Fund (UNICEF), with whom Ustinov had a long association, called him one of its "most effective and beloved" partners. "The children of the world have lost a true friend," said UNICEF chief Carol Bellamy.

Ustinov, who spoke more than half a dozen languages, won Oscars for his roles in the films "Spartacus" and "Topkapi."

The multi-talented entertainer, who was knighted by Britain's Queen Elizabeth but did not like to be known as "Sir Peter," finished his last film as an actor, about the life of 16th century Reformation leader Martin Luther, late last year.

He led a richly varied life as playwright, novelist, film director, academic and as an active campaigner against war.

Raised in Britain of Russian parentage, Ustinov was a London revue star as a teenager and wrote his first play at 19. He made his first feature film at 25.

He starred in, produced and directed his own plays, including Romanoff and Juliet, in London, New York, Berlin, Paris and Rome. He wrote novels to fill in time while hanging around on Hollywood film sets.

Ustinov was married three times, and is survived by his four children and his third wife.

He had one daughter with his first wife, Isolde Denham, from whom he was divorced in 1950 after a decade-long marriage.

He married Suzanne Cloutier in 1954. They had two daughters and a son — Igor. The couple divorced in 1971, the year they moved to Switzerland.

Ustinov married his third wife, Helene du Lau d'Allemans, in 1972.

He was once asked what would be his ideal epitaph.

With a familiar twinkle in his eye, he swiftly decided on the perfect inscription for his tombstone: "Keep off the grass."

Peter Ustinov

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Sinta, an 8-year-old Orangutan, kisses her newborn baby Sunday, March 28, 2004, in Prigen Safari Park, Pasuruan, East Java, Indonesia.
Photo by Trisnadi

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