Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 26 February, 2002

(BartCop Entertainment)

Tuesday

26 February, 2002

big hammer - bigger hammer

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Who's Going To Hell This Week

Helen A. Handbasket


Who's Going to Hell This Week?

by

Helen A. Handbasket



As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. She is the world's foremost double-agent war-correspondent from hell - to Hollywood - and back again. Her opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.
 

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

February 25, 2002

 
Okay, I'm confused. First he complains about the "axis of evil," then he goes to Korea and complains about the "axes of evil." Divorced parents beware of the "exes of evil" and all you 19th century farmers better beware of the "oxes of evil."
- Helen -


10. Guess which candidate for Governor of California plans to offer Catalina Island to the Palestinians if they'll just get the hell out of the West Bank of Israel.
 
9.  Should British al-Qaeda suspects at Camp X-Ray be treated any better than the other prisoners? "Damn straight!" says Sir Ian McKellen, spokesman for the "Better Dental Care For British al-Qaeda Suspects at Camp X-Ray Society."
 
8. Condoleezza Rice got an NAACP Image Award given to those who have undermined the cause of minorities by becoming willing dupes of stupid white men who control the world. 

7. Why hasn't Bush appointed a head of the FDA, the NIH, or a Surgeon General yet? He's waiting to see how "Queen of the Damned" does at the box office.
 
6. "24 is the best show on television," claims Adolph Hitler from the 3rd level of hell, who doesn't know they're going to cut him off after episode 23.
 
5. Tom Cruise is wearing braces and it's got nothing to do with the quality of his teeth. All part of the humiliation clause in his divorce settlement.
 
4. Over in Zimbabwe, it looks like Morgan Tsvangirai is going to face high treason charges for plotting to assassinate President Robert Mugabe, but the Olsen Twins are getting away scott free. 
 
3. Israel prematurely withdrew its tanks from Yasser Arafat's compound. Brad Pitt still can't get Jennifer Aniston pregnant. Coincidence? I don't think so.
 
2. The California Supreme Court struck down the "Son of Sam" law as unconstitutional, clearing the way for Ronald Reagan to write his memoirs.
 
And the number one characters going to hell this week?
 
1. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig.
 
Personal to that skanky bitch who stole my place in line at K-Mart: You're going to pay.
Personal to all K-Mart employees: You too.
 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

 
Northrop Grumman and TRW's $11.4 million bid to buy TRW minus every penny of the Superfund cleanup budget that actually comes from the polluters who caused the problem in the first place.times 373 people killed in a fire on an Egyptian train divided by every Afghani child given in marriage in exchange for food equals Angola's 26-year-old civil war divided by every word plagiarized by Doris Kearns Goodwin in her book "The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys." minus all the soft money currently being gathered by politicians before campaign finance reform takes effect times 1% of the blood donated for 9/11 that actually made it to victims of 9/11.
 

CARTOON FROM HELL

Courtesy of http://www.suttonimpactstudio.com/
 

DOUBLE BILL FROM HELL

 
Big Fat Liar with a Beautiful Mind
 

DUH!

 
"Columbia Rebels Condemn Government"
- CNN Headline News -
 

QUOTES FROM HELL

 
"Daniel Pearl is probably alive."
- Pakistani General Musharraf -
 
"Osama bin Laden is probably dead."
- Pakistani General Musharraf -
 
"Why of course the people don't want war. But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament,or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them that they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." - Hermann Goering -
 
"Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end." - Lord Acton -
 
"The state is that great fiction by which everyone tries to live at the expense of everyone else." - Frederic Bastiat -
 
"Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one." - Thomas Paine -
 
"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under." - H.L. Mencken -
 

HOOKER FROM HELL

 

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

 
The Winter Olympics
 
They have got talent
You have to admire
Not everybody
Can slalom through fire
 
Hot weather skating
takes plenty of nerve
Those towers of embers
can throw you a curve
 
     Happily luging between burning logs
     Where the ogres and demons do dwell
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell
 
     Playing ice hockey on smoldering coals
     can cause quite a terrible smell
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell
 
Funny how everything
Looks like a pyre
When it's your hobby
To snowboard through fire
 
Not everybody
can guzzle hot java
While watching a Mormon
Ski jump over lava
 
     Doing a skeleton covered in flames
     is scarier than AOL
     At the Winter Olympics in Hell
 
     Speaking of judges who do what they're told
     America did pretty well
     At the Winter Olympics in hell
     At the Winter Olympics in hell
 

SITES FROM HELL

 
Want an abortion? Don't worry about Roe vs. Wade, just go to one of these countries where abortion is now and will most likely remain completely legal.
 
Feeling conspiratorial? Go to the United Flight 93 Crash Theory Home Page.
 
Just what the world needs, more College Humor.
 
Has the world changed? Check out the Sept. 10 Tribute Page.
 
America is too fuggin patriotic, says Norman Mailer.
 
You know who can't keep a secret? The Washington Post.
 
Make your own carbon atom at A Science Odyssey.
 
Penn State University has the text of more than 15,000 books online.
 
Search for articles in back issues of thousands of magazines at findarticles.com.
 

PUZZLE FROM HELL

 
Answer to last week's puzzle from hell:
 
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." - Hubert H. Humphrey -
 
Got a hangover?
Come to my website.
 


http://home.earthlink.net/~dare2b


Many thanks to Michael Dare!

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Reader Comment

Re: 'Enterprise' Theme

Whoever here wrote:

That the theme song for ENTERPRISE is the worst...ARE YOU NUTS???!!! That song is one of the BEST opening themes EVER! It's perfect considering the theme of the show...Vulcans hindering humans from going into deep space exploration and all, it's a great tune.

You obviously need to listen a little harder to the theme. Also, listen to the original version by Rod Stewart.

~~ Ken B


Thanks, Ken.

I was in Jr. High when the original 'Star Trek' debutted. I can remember daydreaming in Herb Johnson's math class on Fridays. Isn't this the first 'Star Trek' to have a theme song with words? Well, at least words that are printed as lyrics?

By the original 'Star Trek' standards, a full-blooded Vulcan should have a greenish-cast, due to their green blood.... so, how come the new Vulcan wench is more peachy than Crayola's 'flesh' crayon?

Until you mentioned it, I had no idea Rod Stewart had done the song. So, is this an instance of a 'Star Trek' franchise holder being too cheap to have a song written? Or too cheap to pay the Rod Stewart royalties?

Rod Stewart is OK, if we're wallowing in the 80's, debating shag haircuts & the benefits of 'frosting' one's hair, while reminiscing about 'Maggie May', but, this is the 21st century.

Sorry, I still hate the theme song.

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Reader Comment

Fashion Wannabe

I clearly have been in the garden way too long!! Silly me, I didn't realize how much $$$$ I could save by sewing a few runned pantyhose together and calling it a DESIGNER TOP.....Of course, the boob job (lift and enhance) would set me back a tad, but OH MY how grand to be a fashion maven!!

~~ Nancy D


Thanks, Nancy! Knew I was missing a use for those dead pantyhose... ; )

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Reader Comment

Re: The BAFTA's

While we're on the subject of the BAFTAS, the reason why there was 'soapy stuff coming off the carpet' (K Spacey) is quite simple; some bright spark decided, mid afternoon on Sunday, to shampoo the red carpet usually used for these occasions.

Aforementioned bright spark did not, apparently, read the weather forecast.

Consequently, when all the stars started to arrive, it was, to use a Brit expression, absolutely pissing down.

As soon as anyone walked on the carpet, the foam emerged - so the carpet rapidly turned into an ocean of foaming creamy suds. Anyone wearing a long dress had to be wrung out once inside the theater.

It sounds absolutely hysterical. I do wish I had been there.

~~ G


Thanks, Graham! I also would have loved to see the ladies in their frothing gowns.

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From 'TBH Politoons'

Great Site!

Click Here!


Thanks, again, Tim!

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Had the CBS sitcoms on in the background while discussing science fair projects. The kid wants to either build a battery or clone a cat...

Late Sunday/early Monday, finally caught the Dennis Miller rerun from Friday night on HBO. Holy crap! If I thought I had issues before, sheee-it! The tease for Jon Stewart was the only thing that stopped me from cancelling HBO at 2 am.

What a self-righteous, sanctimonious, bull-shit spewing wadical wight-winger Dennis has become! Wish Gloria Allred had kneed him where he used to have gonads. She would have been more than justified, and Dennis needs to look into anger management classes if he's going to continue his charade of being 'a working stiff'.

Bet he has to sit to pee.



Tonight, Tuesday, CBS has a fresh night with 'JAG' Goes To Afghanistan, 'The Guardian', and 'Judging Amy'.

NBC is mostly fresh....they start the night with a rerun 'Frasier', then the debut of the Julia Louis-Dreyfus starrer, 'Watching Ellie', a fresh 'Frasier', a fresh 'Scrubs', and a fresh 'Dateline'.

Over in Mouseland, ABC is all fresh with 'The Chair', 'NYPD Blue', and 'Philly'.

The WB is all fresh with 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Smallville'.

Faux has a fresh 'That 70's Show', followed by a rerun, and then a fresh '24'.

UPN is also fresh with 'Buffy' and 'Roswell'.

TCM again salutes shorts. Lots of history in these little nuggets.



Anyone have any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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A Selfish Altruist

Bono

Bono is a selfish altruist. And he admits it.

"I'm too selfish, and the right to be ridiculous is something I hold too dear," the U2 singer says in this week's issue of Time magazine.

"I know how absurd it is to have a rock star talk about the World Health Organization or debt relief or HIV/AIDS in Africa," he acknowledges.

But he has access to both media and money, and power brokers listen to him.

The chief benefactor of an economic-relief charity, Bono recently sat on a World Economic Forum dais with Bill Gates, discussing how to save Africa from financial ruin.

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill told Time that Bono "knows a lot about issues."

Bono

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At Tribute To George

Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney went back home to Liverpool to make a surprise appearance at a tribute concert for fellow Beatle George Harrison.

"I thought I should just come on and say how much George would have loved this," he told the cheering crowd at Sunday night's concert in aid of cancer charities.

With the audience joining in, he then launched into an impromptu version of "Yesterday" in memory of Harrison, who died last year of cancer at the age of 58.

"He was a lovely bloke," McCartney told reporters. "He gave a lot to this world -- his music and his spirituality. He was always a very strong man."

Paul McCartney

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More From BAFTA

Ian McKellen




Britain's Ian McKellen arrives at the British Academy Awards in Leicester Square, London February 24, 2002. The British Academy Awards are Britain's equivalent of the Oscars and this years awards are hosted by comedian Stephen Fry.
Photo by Stephen Hird

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Guest-Lecturer

Anthony Hopkins

The Los Angeles Times says that Anthony Hopkins showed up as a guest lecturer at a Saturday-morning adult acting class in Santa Monica, Calif., last September and has been back almost every week since.

Hopkins says that he doesn't do it to give back. He doesn't even ask for any payment other than a cup of coffee. He feels that is "too Mother Teresa" for him. He says he acknowledges that it's a tough business and thinks he "can help out a bit and give encouragement."

Anthony Hopkins

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Illusions & Pompoms

Aaron Sorkin

The creator of NBC's political drama "The West Wing" criticizes his own network's anchorman, Tom Brokaw, and President Bush in published comments.

Aaron Sorkin called Brokaw's special, "The Bush White House: Inside the Real West Wing," a "valentine" to George W. Bush.

"The White House pumped up the president's schedule to show him being much busier and more engaged than he is, and Tom Brokaw let it happen — the show was a valentine to Bush," Sorkin said in The New Yorker magazine.

"That illusion may be what we need right now, but the truth is we're simply pretending to believe that Bush exhibited unspeakable courage at the World Series by throwing out the first pitch, or that he, by God, showed those terrorists by going to Salt Lake City and jumbling the first line of the Olympic ceremony," he said. "The media is waving pompoms, and the entire country is being polite."

NBC acknowledged in the show's opening that Bush's schedule for the day had been packed more heavily than usual for the benefit of the cameras — as had been done with other presidents.

Aaron Sorkin

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Doesn't Like Them Too Young

Kathleen Turner

If you're male and still in your twenties, don't even think about flirting with Kathleen Turner.

"I shouldn't make blanket generalizations, but I will," she told the Boston Globe in Sunday's editions. "I can appreciate a nicely formed bod as much as anyone. But men, until about the age of 29, lack conversation."

At 47, Turner is 11 years older than Anne Bancroft when she played Mrs. Robinson, the woman who seduces Benjamin Braddock in the story. This time, Jason Biggs plays the role made famous by Dustin Hoffman in the 1967 film.

"Hollywood tells us women past a certain age can't be alluring," she said. "Well, to hell with them. We are."

Kathleen Turner

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Impending Nuptials

Paul & Heather

Paul McCartney is set to wed his blond sweetheart, Heather Mills, next month, friends of the Beatle legend said.

But don't expect a flashy wedding with hundreds of celebrity guests sipping expensive champagne.

The couple has decided to go for something simpler - a modest ceremony in a small church or town hall.

Paul, 59, is expected to wear a traditional tuxedo, while Heather, 33, will don a custom-made gown she's helping design. Paul and Heather got engaged last July.

Paul & Heather

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Martin & Charlie

The Sheens

Martin Sheen tells TV Guide that his son, Charlie, is his hero.

Sheen says that he has never know anyone "who has overcome a more difficult problem" and has gotten their life back the way Charlie has.

"That Charlie's achieved in the last four years is astonishing. It is the greatest miracle of my life," the elder Sheen said.

The Sheens

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Fund Raiser

Lou Reed

Lou Reed is spearheading a movement to help bedridden "Limbo King" Mike Quashie. On behalf of the Max's Kansas City Project, set up to provide emergency medical and legal funding for former artists, Reed is helping organize a fundraiser at the Bowery Ballroom on Thursday for Quashie, whom he calls "an inspiration to many artists such as Jimi Hendrix and myself." Quashie needs cash after a stroke and a major back operation.

Lou Reed

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New Stamp To Be Issued

Astrid Lindgren

Astrid Lindgren, Sweden's beloved children's book writer, will be remembered through a set of stamps.

The 47-cent stamps, to be issued on March 5, will depict the writer and six of her most popular characters — Pippi Longstocking, Karlsson on the Roof, Madicken, Emil, the Brothers Lionheart and Lotta from the Children of Troublemaker Street, the national postal service said last week.

"Astrid Lindgren's literary heritage to all the children of the world is of great importance and helps us to create a better world. We want to give her a mark of respect of our own by issuing these stamps," spokeswoman Ingegerd Mattsson said.

Astrid Lindgren

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Backstage Snit At NAACP Image Awards

ET vs. AH

"Entertainment Tonight" scaled back its coverage of last night's NAACP Image Awards after its chief rival, "Access Hollywood," scored a better perch backstage. Initially, "ET" was guaranteed first crack at cornering the likes of Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Will Smith, Alicia Keys, Damon Wayans and Angela Bassett arriving on the red carpet and backstage at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. But "Access" complained, claiming that they have provided better coverage of black celebrities and reminding organizers that its co-host, Shaun Robinson, is a former Image Awards presenter. So event organizers offered a compromise: "ET" would get first crack at arriving celebs, and "Access" would get the first chance to interview them backstage. But "ET" producers scoffed at the deal and boycotted backstage coverage. An "ET" mouthpiece told us: "Roshumba Williams covered the event from the red carpet. Other than that, we have no comment."

ET vs. AH

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On The Comeback Trail

Leif Garrett

Former teen heartthrob Leif Garrett is on the comeback trail - Former teen heartthrob Leif Garrett is on the comeback trail — slowly and gratefully.

Garrett, 40, has begun singing and touring with F8, a hard rock quartet that also features Chuck Billings, Joe Gaines and Darrel D'Arnold. A debut CD is in the works.

A pinup in the '70s, Garrett is starting small with his newest career after his drug addiction troubles, and that suits him fine.

Billings, who had his own brief taste of fame in the '70s, also can appreciate getting a second chance at a music career.

"Today, Leif and I look at the past and we don't like what we went through, but we're thankful for it because it helps for what we're doing now."

Leif Garrett

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Child Labor Laws Investigation

Lou Pearlman

Producer Lou Pearlman, the man who put together 'N Sync and Backstreet Boys, is under investigation for violating child labor laws.

The Florida Department of Labor is checking into Pearlman of Trans Continental Entertainment because of a complained filed by Merrily Goodell, the mother of two members of Take 5. Take 5 was a group Pearlman put together that never made the big time.

Pearlman has had no other child labor complaints filed against him, although 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys and LFO all cut ties with him. Pearlman says the charges are preposterous.

Lou Pearlman

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Empire Built on Deregulation

Clear Channel

'' To see how deregulation can turn an obscure businessman into a sudden power broker, look no farther than Texas radio billionaire L. Lowry Mays.

Six years ago, his modest San Antonio-based chain Clear Channel Communications Inc. owned 36 radio stations, four under the legal limit. Then Congress did away with most radio station ownership limits and Mays went on a frantic shopping spree.

Today, his sprawling empire covers all 50 states, with 1,225 radio stations, about 10% of the nation's total, plus the country's biggest live-concert promotions firm, 19 television stations and 770,000 billboards. In a decade, Clear Channel's sales have jumped from $74 million to about $8 billion last year, a stunning 100-fold increase. But Clear Channel's rapid expansion is provoking allegations that the radio giant is bullying recording artists and skirting station ownership rules. Consumer advocates point to the conglomerate as a symbol of the results of media deregulation--one that should be examined after a federal court ruling last week that could open the door to more consolidation in the television and cable industries. ''

AND

'' Mays also has a long-standing interest in politics, backing candidates seeking everything from the San Antonio mayor's office to the White House.

And the Justice Department's current antitrust chief, Charles James, formerly headed the antitrust department at the Washington law firm that represented Clear Channel when the company sought regulatory approval of its purchase of radio broadcaster AMFM Inc. in 2000, when it also purchased concert promoter SFX. ''

For the rest, Clear Channel

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In Sweden

Snowmobile McDrive-Thru



A customer riding a snowmobile is served at the McDrive restaurant in Pitea, 130 kilometeres south of the Artic Circle in northern Sweden, February 23, 2002. The first McDonalds drive through for snowmobiles opened on Saturday with a specially-marked track for drivers.
Photo by Gleb Bryanski

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Not Performing On Grammy Awards

Michael Jackson

After all the chest-beating and back-and-forth over whether he would sing for the Grammys or the rival American Music Awards, pop star Michael Jackson will end up having performed on neither.

A spokesman for the Grammy-sponsoring National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences said the "Gloved One" will not be performing on Wednesday night's live CBS telecast of the music industry's highest honors.

The self-styled "king of pop" initially backed out of a performance at the American Music Awards in January, presumably because of a longstanding Grammy edict precluding talent from appearing on both shows in a single year.

Jackson's decision prompted American Music Awards producer Dick Clark to file a $10 million lawsuit against Grammys boss Michael Greene for unfair competition.

As a compromise, Jackson then agreed to appear on Clark's show to accept an "Artist of the Century" award and to submit a newly produced video clip of his 1988 song "Man in the Mirror." But his representatives mysteriously asked American Music Award organizers to pull it at the last minute.

Michael Jackson

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Virginia City, NV

New Use For DNA Testing

Archaeologists searching under floorboards in Virginia City, NV, a 19th century mining town are using DNA testing in a way it's never been used before to learn secrets about the Old West.

Some of the tests might tell a story of the frontier rarely seen in Westerns or on the old "Bonanza" television series that helped make Virginia City famous.

The DNA used for the tests was found in traces of morphine residue on a 125-year-old glass hypodermic syringe found beneath one small home. Researchers believe they've found either an opium den of sorts or the office of a doctor who treated prostitutes and their customers on the edge of the town's rollicking red-light district in the 1860s and 1870s.

"Hollywood has made us think of Virginia City as a `Bonanza'-type setting and even tourism today has carried that theme," said Julie Schablitsky, an archaeologist in Portland State's Urban Studies and Planning Department. "As archaeologists and historians, we need to set the record straight."

"This is an area where people from all over the world toiled hard above and below the ground. ... Back then you could get morphine and a syringe at the local pharmacy. It was not a big deal," she said.

Earlier research has established that Virginia City, with a population of 60,000 at its peak, was unusually diverse for its time. Large populations of ethnic groups - including Africans, Jamaicans, Chinese, Irish and Germans - worked area gold and silver mines.

For the whole story, Virginia City, NV


Nevada State Historic Preservation Office

Virginia City Convention and Tourism Authority

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PO'd At Ashcroft

Cher!

So what has Cher seething? Nothing less than the Justice Department's decision last month to throw heavy blue curtains over the bare-breasted 12 1/2-foot cast aluminum statue "Spirit of Justice" and her skimpily togaed male partner, "Majesty of Law," which have stood in the department's Great Hall since 1936.

"These statues have been there through other very conservative administrations, and no one has seen fit to put a curtain in front of them," Cher said. "What are we going to do next? Put shorts on the statue of David, put an 1880s bathing suit on 'Venus Rising' and a shirt on the Venus de Milo? If they start doing that, maybe they'll start deciding what books are all right for us to read, and we'll start losing all of our freedoms. This really is unbelievable. It's shocking."

Cher added: "I'm not the bastion of good taste. No one knows that better than I."

But she doesn't buy Justice's argument that the sculptures -- created by Prix de Rome winner C. Paul Jennewein -- are a visual distraction during Attorney General John Ashcroft's news conferences and terrorism alerts. "If he doesn't want to make speeches in front of them, let him make speeches somewhere else," she scoffed. "He's mobile."

Cher was also dismissive of Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Christine Todd Whitman's move to cover up murals at her agency's headquarters that depict American Indians scalping white people, including naked women. "I didn't know that art was politically correct," said Cher, who is part Cherokee.

For the rest, Cher

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Law Suit Filed

Jackson Browne

Jackson Browne and fellow songwriters Jack Tempchin and J.D. Souther sued Warner-Chappell Music Inc. for more than $10 million Monday, claiming they were underpaid for their contributions to one of the Eagles' most popular albums.

According to the lawsuit, the songwriters were supposed to be paid a fluctuating royalty rate that is currently at 7.5 cents per song for their contributions to "Eagles - Their Greatest Hits, 1971-1974."

Instead, they have been paid only about 2.5 cents per song since 1975 for the hits "Already Gone," "Best of My Love," "Peaceful Easy Feeling," and "Take it Easy," according to the lawsuit, which sites an audit performed in 2000.

The album, meanwhile, has sold 26 million copies, according to the lawsuit, which seeks $10 million in back royalties plus punitive damages. Tempchin wrote "Peaceful Easy Feeling," and co-wrote "Already Gone." "Souther co-wrote "Best of My Love" and Browne co-wrote "Take it Easy."

Jackson Browne

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BETTY BOWERS Cooks!

In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

bartcook

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Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop

A New Look & Even More Information!

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'Bob Woodward vs. John Belushi and Me'

Michael Dare - 'The Life and Death of Captain Preemo'

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BartCop TV!

BC TV

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Watergate v$ Enron!

BartCop Astrology


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From BartCop

The Bush Rap (Sheet)

Special Bonus From BartCop

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