Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 3 February, 2004

Issue #91
is brought to you by

Bush Wants Captain Kangaroo Buried with Full Military Honors

WASHINGTON, DC

A tearful President Bush said it was his wish that Captain Kangaroo be buried in Arlington National Cemetery with full military honors.

"Actually, I should have given him a higher rank than Captain when I became President, but it just slipped my mind, what with all this war on terror and hunt for weapons of mass destruction. I should have at least made him a Major or something. Now it's too late," the President said haltingly.

"Well, I'm going to make it up to him!" said the President. "He's going to have a full military send off complete with caissons and Honor guard to boot! I plan on being there myself to hand over the flag to Mr. Green Jeans. I know this is a tough time for Bunny Rabbit and Mr. Moose, but I'm going to see that they are taken care of also."

"It's a good thing Laura thought ahead and saved my favorite shows on videotape or I would be at complete loss now," he said. "At least I can now go back and re-view them. Heck, after a year or so I can't remember seeing them in the first place, so it's like seeing them the first time."

- Mike Pasternack: Bongo News -

Arithmetic from Hell

In 2003, the United States of American went $7 trillion into debt.

In 2003, Exxon Mobile Corp. made $21.51 billion in profits.

Where did the extra $6978.49 billion go?

The Department of Homeland Security is building a new 1,020 bed detention facility in South Texas. It's expected to generate $109 million in revenue. How much revenue would a new 1,020 student college generate once the students went out into the world?

Dueling Quotes

"No to appointments, yes to elections."

- protesters in Iraq -

"No to appointments, yes to elections."

- the founding fathers of the United States of America -

History Lesson from Heaven

Shouting to be Heard

While quickly changing channels, I came across a news report that mysteriously explained why the media turned on Dean. Disinformation all the way. In this new piece of tape, you saw the famous shouting speech as it sounded from the audience instead of from the microphone feed. Dean was using one of those special mikes that cuts out background noise, so what millions of viewers heard and saw was Dean screaming to be heard above an INCREDIBLY loud audience that was electronically erased, an audience whose shouts were so loud that Dean is virtually inaudible as videotaped from the audience. You, me, absolutely anybody speaking to that crowd, would have shouted to be heard.

To be removed from a political race due to trying to be heard over a large crowd is Shakespearean. I suspect Dean has made a deal with Woody Allen to play him in "Democrat's Labour's Lost," a knock-down, drag-out comedy about the fate of the planet.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

Three boys were suspended from school for bringing miniature toy guns from G.I. Joe action figures.

I Are Cornfused

John Kerry sent a letter opposing the Gulf War AND a letter supporting the Gulf War to the same constituent.

Travel Tip

Every year in Sweden, between 200 and 300 pets are injured because of sexual assaults.

Send Me

Beaver's Bend Cabins in Oklahoma look pretty good. Send me there so I can write about it.

Gathering Wood on the Sabbath Day

"While the Israelites were in the desert, a man was discovered gathering wood on the Sabbath day. Those who caught him at it brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly. But they kept him in custody, for there was no clear decision as to what should be done with him. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'This man shall be put to death; let the whole community stone him outside the camp.' So the whole community led him outside the camp and stoned him to death as the Lord had commanded Moses."

- Numbers 15:32-36 -

"No I didn't."

- the Lord, as reported by a man discovered gathering wood on the Sabbath day -

The Shining Update

Here are the twins today...

"Come play with us Danny, forever and ever and ever..."

You say in the www.

that i'm a terrorist!!!

No way out for you. I REPORT YOU !

You've said THAT about me.

This Week on Television

"Dennis Miller Debuts"

"Jack Paar dies."

- Ironic Times -

The Internet People Have Spoken

Totally Insane, Paranoid, Bite Your Nails, New World Order Site of the Week

(unless it's all true)

Why the passenger lists of the four September 11 "suicide" jets were so small. How remote control was used. Why the transponders were turned off. Why the radar tracks of the four planes were confused. Why there was no Boeing 757 debris at the Pentagon. Read all about it at Flight of the Bumble Planes.

Don't Take My Word For It

"As a Christian, a trained engineer and scientist, and a professor at Emory University, I am embarrassed by Superintendent Kathy Cox's attempt to censor and distort the education of Georgia's students."

- Former President Jimmy Carter reacting to Cox's attempt to remove the word "evolution" from school textbooks [Meanwhile, of course, SARS is evolving] -

"Why would he want to rape her? She doesn't look like a day at the beach."

- sensitive judge Gene Stephenson in a rape case -

"If you prick us do we not bleed?

If you tickle us do we not laugh?

If you poison us do we not die?

And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"

- William Shakespeare: The Merchant of Venice, III:1 -

"Canadian citizen Maher Arar is now suing Attorney General John Ashcroft and the Director of the FBI Robert Mueller as well as other U.S. officials for sending him to be tortured in Syria. The Center For Constitutional Rights are representing him in this case."

- 9/11 Review -

"Given the fact that thousands of innocent people, including more than 500 American soldiers, have been killed in the effort to 'disarm Saddam' of weapons of mass destruction that he didn't possess, in retrospect wouldn't it have been a lot better if President Bush had accepted Saddam Hussein's offer to settle their personal differences with a duel?"

- Hornberger's Blog -

"The Bush Administration's 2004 budget proposed gutting Veterans Administration (VA) services, including health care funding. Proposed cuts included: denying at least 360,000 veterans access to health care; $250 annual premiums; increased pharmacy co-payments; 30 percent increased primary care co-payments; and increased waiting time for a first medical appointment."

- Kenneth Norris: This is how Bush supports our troops -

"The White House doesn't want to give the commission investigating the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks the 60 more days that it says it needs to finish its report. Republicans are worried that a two-month extension would inject - shudder - politics into the Sept. 11 tragedy. The report would be released in July, in the middle of the presidential campaign."

- A 9/11 Cover up? Why Won't Bush Cooperate with Investigators -

"The Bush administration is warning Congress not to tinker with the Internet surveillance powers that the USA Patriot Act awarded to federal police.

"In a four-page letter to the Senate on Thursday, Attorney General John Ashcroft said that defanging the controversial law, which has been criticized by every major Democratic presidential contender, would 'undermine our ongoing campaign to detect and prevent catastrophic terrorist attacks.'"

"Were Congress to vote to amend the USA Patriot Act, Ashcroft indicated, President Bush would veto the bill."

- Declan McCullagh: Surveillance powers should stand, U.S. officials say -

"It turns out President Saddam Hussein, whom Bush repeatedly branded a 'liar,' was in fact telling the truth all along when he said all of Iraq's old weapons systems had been destroyed. It was Bush and British PM Tony Blair who weren't telling the truth. Saddam should hire attorney Johnny Cochrane and sue the U.S. and Britain for all they're worth."

- Eric Margolis: A scandal greater than Watergate -

"You must turn your intelligence into ignorance; you must become mad. Whenever you see something that may yield material profit, flee from it. Curse anyone who praises you. Lend your wealth to the poor and the feckless. Abandon the security of your home, and live in places of danger. Throw away your reputation, and embrace dishonor and disgrace. I shall test my intellect to the limit; and then I shall make myself mad."

- Rumi: Mathnawi, 366 Readings From Islam -

"How can something that cannot see itself

See another?"

- Nagarjuna: 365 Buddha: Daily Meditations -

"Whenever you fall, pick something up."

- Oswald Avery -

"If I won't be myself, who will?"

- Alfred Hitchcock -

"Power buries those who wield it."

- Talmud: Yoma -

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else."

- Judy Garland -

"US combat deaths in Iraq have risen sharply during January despite a drop in the number of attacks and the capture of former dictator Saddam Hussein over a month ago.

"As of Thursday, 33 American soldiers and one civilian had been killed by hostile fire during the month. That compares with 24 US combat deaths in December, and a total of 32 coalition combat deaths.

"The figures appear to show that the security situation in Iraq is not improving, contrary to earlier claims from the US military and politicians."

- Charles Clover: Who says we're safer? US combat deaths rise in wake of Saddam capture -

"Generally speaking, even if money brings us happiness, it tends to be the kind which money can buy: material things and sensory experiences. And these, we discover, become a source of suffering themselves. As far as actual possessions are concerned, we must admit that they often cause us more, not less, difficulty in life. The car breaks down, we lose our money, our most precious belongings are stolen, our house is damaged by fire. Or we worry about these things happening."

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"No injustice in this world is suffered alone. No matter how quiet or hidden the suffering, how silent the afflicted, there is One who not only knows of it, but likewise feels the pain. There are lives of quiet desperation, but no lives of solitary desperation, for all suffering is shared."

- Rabbi David Wolpe: Healer of Shattered Hearts -

"The purely righteous do not complain about evil, rather they add justice. They do not complain about heresy, rather they add faith. They do not complain about ignorance, rather they add wisdom."

- Rav Kook -

"Whoever destroys a single life is as guilty as though he had destroyed the entire world; and whoever rescues a single life earns as much merit as though he had rescued the entire world."

- The Talmud: Mishna, Sanhedrin -

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald -

"One is not wise

because one speaks much.

He who is peaceable, friendly and fearless

is called wise."

- Buddha: Dhammapada 258 -

"The essential principles of our Government ... form the bright constellation which has gone before us and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation. The wisdom of our sages and blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civic instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or of alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty and safety."

- Thomas Jefferson: First Inaugural Address [1801] -

"When we see that we have gone wrong, it is our duty to retrace our footsteps and proceed again by the right path."

- Mohandas Gandhi -

"You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was."

- Abraham Lincoln -

"There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'"

- Carrie Fisher -

"We must be careful that the people who make $5,000 a year are not pitted against those who make $25,000 a year by those who make $900,000."

- Senator Barbara A. Mikulski -

"Compassion is grace and the lack of it a disgrace."

- The Prophet Muhammad -

"A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak."

- Michael Garrett Marino -

"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."

- John Cage -

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

- Homer Simpson -

Everything Else

Mandatory Reading: Eleven complete issues of The Psychedelic Review, from 1963 to 1971.

On this first anniversary of the disintegration of the space shuttle Columbia, let's remember that for some companies, the Columbia mission was a success.

Absolute irrefutable proof, from the NY Times no less, that the new voting machines allow elections to be hacked.

Go here and tell Palm Beach County state attorney Barry Krischer how you think he should handle Rush Limbaugh.

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov

Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Saddam Hussein - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the Democratic Candidates: Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Carol Moseley Braun, Al Sharpton

Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator - http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative - http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies - http://www.firstgov.gov/

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dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,

Satan

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