a) cow prions
b) tortoise bacteria
c) duck virus
d) swine fungus
e) mosquito parasite
f) gerbil worm
g) fruit bat turds
a) you touched or petted an infected animal
b) you ate meat or something that the infected animal once touched
c) you tied your shoes, but the laces had touched the ground in which the diseased animal walked
d) you had unprotected sex with nurses
e) you had unprotected sex with gerbils
a) cow brains
b) tortoise feet
c) pig fat
d) duck liver
e) dog tongues
f) bat blood
a) Dehydration from chronic urination
b) Eyes protrude out of their sockets with profuse bleeding
c) Head explosion
d) Throat constriction
e) Skin melting
a) Slow, agonizing deaths with a protruding tongue
b) Slow and gentle progression into the night (with poetic dreams)
c) Rapid progression of the disease with fear and loathing
d) Rapid progression of the disease with mental confusion and other stuff (you'll hardly even know that you're sick!)
a) Pregnant women
b) Katie Couric
c) Kittens
d) Virgins
e) Postage Stamps
a) Disease creates fear about any type of exchanging bodily fluids, making "Become a master of your own domain" the new public health slogan.
b) Disease shrivels breasts, creating depression for men and women, but makes a bundle for plastic surgeons and pharmaceutical companies.
c) Disease only kills the 1st born...but because new research has confirmed that terrorists are primarily 1st born children (they have early training on their younger siblings), terrorism disappears.
d) Disease smites the God-fearing Christians; people learn to love God.
a) Anti-viral (grows hair on your palms...making being a master of your own domain easier to take)
b) Anti-fungal (reduces athletes foot too but creates web feet)
c) Anti-worm (creates acidic urine that kills earthworms in soils, destroying ability to compost food, but gives companies that manufacture fertilizers a major boost)
d) A herb (causes garlic breath)
e) A homeopathic medicine (doctors assert that it was an MD who discovered homeopathy in the first place, so they insist that they invented it)
a) A pandemic of fear and damnation
b) A pandemic of vaccine-related diseases
c) A pandemic of new drug sales for a disease that doesn't exist yet but that could occur at any time
d) A pandemic of cosmic and comic proportions
a) cow prions pox
b) iguana virus plague
c) duck virus wasting disease
d) fruit bat auto-immune disorder
Shit damn, I just gone an' wasted it.
- JohnI am going to.....Damn it's gone already !!!!!
- H. Roy WoodI'm going to . . . Oops. My time's up.
- Horace J. DigbyUhhh? Damn it, it's over. Give me some warning next time!- Harry HouckGreat minds think alike.- John, H. Roy, Horace, and HarryYou're too late, Mike, I already squandered it on wine, women, and song.
Cheers,
- NicI kissed my husband.- SpitfyreSo did I.- Elton JohnI get extra seconds with every meal. They're called "thirds." As opposed to "fifths" which sometimes partially accompany an alcoholic's meal or a musician's chord progression. Okay, so my Tom Robbins tribute to the last question turned out to be a Hunter S. Thompson tribute. Thought I'd be a little more whimsical this time.Key word, on reading back, being "little."Anyway, instead of asking questions that imply we're fat, why don't you see if you can get scientists to add more time to the day to make up for changes in the earth's rotation?- Jimmy McConnellThe other day I was watching Comedy Central and Drew Carry's Green Screen show started. It took me exactly1 minute 37 seconds to dig the remote out from between the cushions and change the channel. I'm going to apply my leap second to that so I now only have a minute thirty-six seconds of my life I can't get back.- LockeUnfortunately I am not ahead at all since I borrowed an extra second in 2005.- Marta MartinWithin the first hour of this New Year presented undeniable irrefutable evidence that "Life as I knew it" could no longer continue down this path. I used my extra second to divert/cancel any & all future episodes.
I no longer participate nor observe any traditional "Holidays", therefore there will be no need for anyone to ever call nor come here, ever again.
"Everybody outta the pool."
"This juice is not worth the squeeze."
"Don't call me, I'll call you."
"S/He don't live here anymore."
Take your crap on down the road.
Have a good life.
Count me out.
Bye.- VLADear Sirs,My doctor has advised me to avoid seconds! I certainly don't need any extra ones!- Jed ClossonI plan to save it. Then, next time a co-worker asks: "do you have a second?," I'll say yeah, and offer it. Then I'll get back to work.- MattIf one is to understand that a second could be given back, then I should be able to choose which second otherwise the exercise is pointless.My first choice for my "one second" would be used to shove Lee Harvey Oswald one second before he fires, thereby changing the outcome of the Kennedy Assassination. Kennedy lives, the deep reach of secretive government agencies begins to diminish, Nixon never gets to the White House, tens of thousands of Vets live or are not injured, the possibility of disco music never appears as we need no relief from the sixties and seventies strife, there is no surge to the right to compensate for the extreme left movement, much like the Romantic Age to the Victorian, and finally we will not end up with the Patriot Act up our asses!My second choice would be to catch Saul from his fall from his horse on the way to Damascus, so he doesn't hit his head, who then never becomes Paul to have his visions, and therefore doesn't change the rules of Judaism to dispense with circumcision and suspending of dietary rules to convert the Greek pagan masses from their beautiful female-oriented religion of Artemis, and therefore can't call his new religion Christianity, which leaves one less religion to fight about, which saves millions of innocent lives throughout the centuries, which doesn't allow for the dark ages that union of church and state (The Holy Roman Empire) used to manipulate and forever change history, that leaves us in such a stupid avoidable misery of ignorance today.My third choice would be to go to the back seat of my Mustang on August 19, 1971 and make the spit second decision to take off Carol Hosbecker's panties and fuck the shit out of her, for all those similar slobs who have the same "damn, I should have done it you fucking moron!" fantasy as well as my own ego gratification, not to mention all those billions of potential lives spilled into the Kleenex later on that evening.- Nick WatermnI wasn't aware cloning had advanced to the point where an extra second would be generally available by New Year's Day 2006, but, if so, I'd have my 'Ex-Sec' (which will no doubt be the marketing name) do chores for me.Taking out the trash and changing the furnace filter would only be the start; I also have him attend social functions that don't particularly thrill me, stand in line for me, and appear in traffic court on my behalf (and do time if necessary). In the interest of brevity, I won't list all of the other things my Ex-Sec could do for me, but the mind boggles.Well, it is supposed to be a stupid answer to a stupid question and this is one mighty stupid answer.- RSJ
LET THEM WATCH RERUNS OF "MY MOTHER THE CAR" FOR ETERNITY.
- JDIn a variation on a theme, I think a suitable punishment would be to have specially-programmed Ex-Secs, joined to the miscreants at the hip, who would constantly remind them of how worthless, vacuous and cruel they really are.Oh, and they should have to suck DeLay's toes hourly, too.- RSJThey should be completely ignored and unacknowledged, just as they ignored others. Nobody should communicate with them in any manner, ever again.- Bill MosesHow about a year at the Crawford ranch with Dubya, Cheney, Condi, Karl, Donald and Pat Robertson?- Beaburt784There was a time in ancient Rome when Senators had to wear a cord around their necks. If they proposed a law that did not pass, they could be strangled by the other Senators.Same thing, except now, if they ever hold a closed-door meeting, the cords come out. Cockroaches cannot stand the light. Neither can politicians. 100% open, 100% a matter of public record, 100% accountability.Either that or require them to eat, pay for healthcare, and educate their children on minimum wage.Naaaa, I gotta go with ligature strangulation.
- Jimmy McConnellWhen the aliens finally get here and they announce that they have recorded every song broadcast over the airwaves for the last 100 years and are giving it as a gift to humankind, the slimeballs will weep, wail and cry as they shrivel up into little used balls of cocaine that the dog eats.- SpitfyreThis is a difficult stupid question. The solution depends on what the victim's idea of hell is. I'd like to watch Donnie Rumsfeld drink a year's worth of my cum while getting ass-fucked by Fidel Castro, but maybe he'd like that...Gotta find out what they don't want to lose, then make them watch you take it.- Tim OmachiNone of your biznizzle, my nizzle!- Marta Martin
©2006
Poet's Note: This week on
wallstreetpoet.com
we start running an offbeat novel - "Murder At Bernstein's" - about a billionaire media mogul running for mayor of Philadelphia, and the crime that threatens his candidacy. A new chapter of this book will appear each week.
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