Bartcop Entertainment News - Tuesday, 28 August, 2001

(Bartcop Entertainment)

Itchy&Scratchy

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Tuesday

28 August, 2001


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Who's Going to Hell This Week?

bloodbar

by Helen A. Handbasket

Helen


WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?
August 27, 2001
 
While taxpayers are spending their $600 advance on next year's tax bill, the White House and Congress are battling over the right way to turn our budget surplus into a deficit. The winner: a missile defense system that works against every possible incoming missile except those "wobbly" ones from rogue nations.
- Helen -
 
10. The Phantom Editor, known for his re-edit of "The Phantom Menace," is working on a new version of "Yentl" with the annoying parts removed. Current running time: 20 minutes.
 
9. Why did Heath Ledger break up with Heather Graham? How else could Yasser Arafat get into Beijing?
 
8. According to new study, spanking children doesn't do any lasting harm, but spanking adults can lead to oral sex.
 
7. Satan's very upset they updated Othello without even offering him a walk-on. Look for "O" to do anything but burn at the box office.
 
6. 26 children in Utah were sentenced to five years of life without a father as Thomas A. Green was sent to jail for polygamy.
 
5. Why is bad boy A.J. McLean back with "The Backstreet Boys?" So Jesse Helms wouldn't seek a sixth term. Way to go, A.J.!
 
4. Will those 8 Red Cross workers jailed in Kabul for spreading the gospel of Jesus ever see light of day? Only if Satan gets a part in the re-make of "The Dirty Dozen."
 
3. Why were 3 million people displaced by floods in India? Because Estella Warren can't act.
 
2. Is Rachel on "Friends" really pregnant and will the baby have cloven feet? Not if Jesus Christ has anything to say about it.
 
And the number one team going to hell this week?
 
1.  Krispy Kreme reported giant profits on the same day Bill Clinton took Chelsea to see Siegfried and Roy. Connect the dots.
 
Personal to Nikolay Soltys: Congratulations on making the FBI's top ten. 
Personal to Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and John Denver: Say hi to Aaliyah for me.
 
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
 
The difference between a relationship and an affair minus the difference between Zionism and racism times 6 dead Ukrainians plus 10,000 current Elvis impersonators divided by 45 Eminem fans crushed at a concert minus 17,000 drunk Russians who drown annually equals the 7 months it took George W. Bush to nominate a chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff plus $25,000 worth of Champagne that Mariah Carey filled a bathtub with before entering rehab minus 10,580 people treated in emergency rooms for injuries at amusement parks divided by the life expectancy of Ted Kennedy's liver.
 
INTERNET SITE FROM HELL
 
 
REJECTED FILM TITLES FROM HELL
 
"Captain Corelli's Pie"
 
WASTES OF MONEY FROM HELL
 
Want to build character? For $410, a Dutch company will take all your money and send you out on the streets of Paris to beg for food.
 
For $1,500, celebrities can copyright their DNA as a means to prevent fans from eventually cloning them.
 
Stephanie and Larry Cohen are spending $12,000 to give their dog a kidney transplant.
 
"Summer Catch" made $7.5 million.
 
QUIZ FROM HELL
 
If the U.S were to completely cancel its Missile Defense System, how long would it take till missiles started raining down on America from foreign countries?
 
a) Tomorrow
b) Never
 
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
 
THE BALLAD OF CHANDRA LEVY
 
I'm in love with Chandra Levy but our sex life is a mess
I haven't got a notion of her number or address
There isn't anybody who has got the slightest clue
Of what a lonely senator should do
 
    What a world of horrors
    I cannot stand my life
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    The atmosphere is thicker
    You could cut it with a knife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
 
I'm doing lots of interviews on national TV
Explaining why I can't explain what Chandra means to me
Her parents are beginning to break down and go boo-hoo
Just like a lonely senator should do
 
    What a world of horrors
    Full of orgasms and strife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    The misery is endless   
    I cannot stand my life
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
    Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
 
PUBLICITY PHOTOS FROM HELL
 
c & j
 
WHAT?
 
You missed some of Helen's Columns?
 
Read them all at Gossip From Hell

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In The News

Shopping With The Clintons

Chelsea Clinton

Neal Travis of Pagesix.com is reporting  "  With Las Vegas currently promoting 
itself as a shopping mecca rather than a gambling den, last week's visit by Bill 
Clinton and daughter Chelsea couldn't have come at a better time. 

According to the Las Vegas Review Journal, Chelsea is going to be the world's 
best-dressed back-to-schooler. She dropped a bundle at Versace and other 
famous-name stores, while dad mostly went for his top-of-the-line shoes at 
Ferragamo. 

The father-and-daughter team checked out luggage at El Portal and Louis Vuitton 
and, aided by their Secret Service detail, schlepped dozens of bags of goodies 
back to their $3,900-a-night, 4,400-square-foot penthouse suite at the Four 
Seasons. 

Over three nights, they dined at Spago, got the best seats for the campy old 
Siegfried & Roy show and took in "O" at the Bellagio. I can imagine them finally 
leaving Vegas and telling each other, "We're not in Little Rock anymore!" "


To read the rest of this report, Chelsea

 
Siegfried, Chelsea, Bill & Roy
 
         Siegfried, Chelsea, Bill & Roy

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New TV Season

Emeril

emeril
Lagasse, already the top draw on cable's Food Network with ``Emeril Live'' and 
``Essence of Emeril,'' is getting his own half-hour comedy on NBC. Plain old 
``Emeril,'' premiering Sept. 18, is being written by Linda Bloodworth and 
directed by her husband Harry Thomason, the team behind ``Designing Women'' and 
``Evening Shade.'' 

The series already is the victim of some bad buzz. Several changes have been 
made since the poorly received pilot, including adding Robert Urich to the cast 
as Lagasse's agent and concentrating on workplace antics instead of a fictional 
family. 

Turns out, Lagasse's leap from reality to sitcom isn't a big one: On the new 
show, he plays a chef with a TV cooking show who struggles to balance work and 
home (Mary Page Keller plays his wife). 

Since he doesn't live in Los Angeles, where the show is taped, he demanded that 
there be a full-time chef advising the fictional cooking segments. 

``If we're eating raspberry coffee cake on the show, I want it to be a real 
raspberry coffee cake, not a prop. I have my food reputation to consider.''  

To read the rest of this article, Emeril

To read NBC's page on the show, More Emeril

To visit The Food Network, Food TV.com

And, to visit Emeril's site, Still More Emeril 

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BartCop TV Is Here!

BC TV

Visit the site at BC TV

The 'Vidiot', has updated, again!

There is even more to check!

The Vidiot.

An amazing amount of information, on an amazing variety of TV shows, thanks 
to our Vidiot.

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TV News

Mr. Rogers Retires

Mr. Rogers
The neighborhood will never be the same. After more than 30 years of greeting 
youngsters each day on television with his trademark ``Hi, neighbor,'' Fred 
Rogers is putting away his cardigan and sneakers for good.

His television show, ``Mister Rogers' Neighborhood,'' will continue to appear on 
Public Broadcasting System for years to come in reruns, but the last original 
episodes of the show will air this week on PBS, ending on Friday.

As for Rogers himself, he has not ruled out an occasional ''Neighborhood'' 
special in the future, but said he is currently working on a number of other 
projects targeted at youngsters.

One of those is a story that will appear on PBS's Web site. Set to debut next 
month, it will feature Rogers' voice in an interactive tale based in the 
Neighborhood of Make-Believe. 

To read more, Mr. Rogers

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Music News

The Shared Flute Project


The tiny tribe of Kalispel Indians is staging an outdoor opera on its reservation 
this week with help from what Kalispel elder Francis Cullooyah calls ``the 
Mozart tribe.'' 

The Mozarts - actually opera singers from New York, Seattle, and Spokane - are 
joining the Kalispels in staging a production of ``The Magic Flute'' on the 
tribe's open-air powwow grounds Wednesday night, next to a buffalo herd, with 
the Selkirk Mountains as backdrop. 

Opera is not the first thing that springs to mind when one enters Usk, a 
community of perhaps 200 people about 50 miles north of Spokane, and sees pickup 
trucks, a timber mill and a few restaurants. 

But it came to Libby Kopczynski Moore's mind after she helped produce an opera 
in Newport, just south of Usk, last year. She then decided to try staging an 
opera with the Kalispels, a tribe with just 345 enrolled members, who occupy a 
5,000-acre reservation along the Pend Oreille River. 

``I thought `The Magic Flute' would be interesting with tribal mythology,'' said 
Kopczynski Moore, a Spokane native who's now a professional singer in New York. 
She called Cullooyah, who was intrigued, and the Shared Flute Project was born. 

Tribal members will add their own interpretations to the opera, part of which 
will be narrated in the Kalispel language by Cullooyah, with the rest in English. 
Some Indian musical instruments will be used. 

``We still have to say words to the notes that Mozart wrote,'' said Rednour, an 
Usk native. 

Much of the chorus will be made up of the tribe's Frog Island Singers, dressed 
in traditional Kalispel clothing. 

In the meantime, Cullooyah likes the idea of bringing opera out of the city. 

``I used to be scared of opera,'' he said. ``I went to one opera, and wore a tux 
and tails.'' 

``This is going to be something that is talked about for years around here,'' he 
predicted. 

To read the rest, The Shared Flute Project

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NEW!

Bartcop Astrology

Check it out at BC Astrology.

Have you ever checked out Robert Johnson's or Andres Segovia's horoscope?

Pretty cool stuff!


(And, to read Buzzcook's riff, see bcEntertainment (7/31/01)).

Cutting to the chase, here is Buzzcook's list of guitar gods:

Chick Webb

Robert Johnson

Albert King

John Lee Hooker
Hell if you don't already know John Lee, no link will save ya.

Joe Pass

Django Reinhardt

Andres Segovia

Mr. Guitar

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In The News

Ambassador Angelina

Ambassador Angelina
Angelina Jolie, newly appointed goodwill ambassador for the U.N. refugee agency, 
wiped tears from her eyes as she described her encounters with Afghan refugees 
in Pakistan. 

``What do you do about that? It's really awful,'' said the 26-year-old actress 
as she told reporters about small children scratching a living by picking 
through garbage. 

Jolie started visiting refugee camps earlier this year. She has released the 
journal she kept during visits to Sierra Leone and Tanzania on the Internet to 
publicize the work of the UNHCR. 

To read more about Ambassador Angelina, Ambassador Angelina 

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TV News

Larry King Gets 'Cerebral'

larry
There's nothing talk-show host Larry King would like to do more than take a year 
off and broadcast baseball on radio or television. 

``Sports is really my avocation,'' King said, while attending a Provo Angels 
rookie league doubleheader against Casper on Saturday. ``It's the first thing I 
read in the newspaper every day.'' 

``There's nothing more cerebral for me than watching the shadows fall across the 
field,'' King said. ``There's something about being raised on baseball that 
makes it become part of the fabric of your life.'' 

King filled in as an announcer part of the time Saturday, and during the 
fifth-inning stretch of the first game, he led the crowd in singing ``Take Me 
Out to the Ball Game.'' 

To read the whole story, Larry King

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In The News

Burning Man Is Coming

burning man99
Larry Harvey's 16th annual celebration of radical self-expression doesn't start 
until Monday, but workers setting up here some 120 miles north of Reno have 
already posted a sign at the entrance to the event site: BURNING MAN WAS BETTER 
LAST YEAR. 

"People seem to be asking me a lot, 'Has it peaked'?" says Harvey, who held his 
first burn of a wooden effigy on a San Francisco beach in 1986 and watched the 
crowds swell in following years from 20 to over 20,000, forcing the event to its 
current location. 
 
San Francisco's arch hipsters annually bemoan that Burning Man used to be 
better, but this year Harvey is facing his first-ever downturn in attendance. 
Advance ticket sales, he says, suggest a 5 percent drop from last year's peak of 
25,500 attendees. Attendance skyrocketed along with San Francisco's Internet 
startups in the late 1990s, so it seems only natural to expect a fall off in 
2001. "The dot-com thing will affect us a little bit," he admits. 

Burning Man 2001 is bigger than ever in budget -- over $4 million -- and in the 
size of its on-site art installations. The Man himself will reach new heights 
this year, boosted to 70 feet above the desert floor by a new three-story 
pedestal, suggesting a more libertine Statue of Liberty. 

To tour the inside of the pedestal prior to next Saturday night -- when it and 
the Man will be torched as the celebration's climax -- participants will need to 
collect stamps from six large-scale installations that represent this year's 
theme: Shakespeare's seven ages of man. The tour culminates at a mausoleum built 
out of jigsaw dinosaur puzzle bones several hundred yards out on the Black Rock 
Desert playa -- a dry lake bed managed by the U.S. Bureau of Land Management. 
Visitors will be asked to leave notes about personal loss in the mausoleum, 
which will also be torched at week's end. 

But the bulk of Burning Man's art and energy comes from participants, many of 
whom spend small personal fortunes to build and transport original works to the 
desert for a week. This year's participant artworks range from "large-scale 
sound art" (read: big stereos) to a set of 14 green neon towers ranging to 
50 feet high, based on the Emerald City from The Wizard of Oz. But the Burning 
Man ethos is best captured by theme camp Illumination Village: "Creating World 
Class Art and Lighting It on Fire." 

Help comes in the form of grants to artists from the company's nonprofit 
spinoff, Black Rock Arts, which in its most recent fiscal year donated $250,000 
directly to promising projects. 

Behind the pyrotechnics, Harvey still has hopes for Burning Man as a tonic for a 
culture he feels has become too focused on fulfillment through consumption of 
mass-produced goods. "It replaces the traditions that tell you who and what and 
where you are," he said. 

Harvey's personal thesis on society could fill a book, but he offers an 
executive summary: "Make your own damn world." 

For the rest of this article, Burning Man 1

To read more about Burning Man, Burning Man 2

burning man

The ever-intrepid Virgil has offered to be the eyes and ears of BartCop Entertainment on the scene that is Burning Man. Dispatches will be posted, as will the photos (if they come out this year), as received. ~~Marty

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In Memory

Bob Martwick

Morris the Cat
Bob Martwick, who discovered and handled Morris the Cat, died Sunday. He was 75. 

A lifelong pet lover and one-time owner of a kennel in suburban Lombard, Ill., 
Martwick found the original Morris at a humane shelter in nearby Hinsdale in the 
1960s, when Starkist Seafood was looking for a cat to star in television 
advertisements for its Nine Lives cat food. 

The original Morris died in the 1970s, but Martwick also served as handler for 
the second Morris. In all, Martwick spent 27 years touring the nation with the 
two finicky orange cats. 

To read more, Bob Martwick

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Still MISSING


Over Vitebsk

Marc Chagall's "Study for 'Over Vitebsk'"

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Welcome !

You have reached the Home page of BartCop Entertainment. Make yourself home, take your shoes off... Go ahead, scratch it if it itches. The idea is to have fun. Do you have something to say? Anything that increased your blood pressure, or, even better, amused or entertained? Use your words to inform the rest of us.
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Do you have a great album no one's heard? 
How about a favorite TV show, movie, book, play, cartoon, or legal amusement?  
A popular artist that just plain pisses you off (Britny and 'N Sync don't count, 
they piss off EVERYONE)? 
A box set the whole world should own? 
Vile, filthy rumors about Republican musicians?
Just plain vile, filthy rumors? 
A picture of yourself clad only in panties and sitting on Argus Hamilton's lap? 
This is your place.

Send it to Marty

Don't send it to BC....

Or send it to this Marty

Please, don't send it to BC!

Or send it to this Marty
Please, Do NOT send it to BC!

Thank you

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